“It’s not about political parties, it’s about the cocktail party!” – James Carville (D) and a silent, fuming Mary Matalin (R)

That’s right, it’s been one long year of campaigning, and another long year of Republican primaries, but we’re finally wrapping this big piece of crap up. In a way, this election has been the Avengers of elections:

*Exhausting length? CHECK

*Cost unimaginable sums of money to produce? CHECK

*Too many characters? CHECK

*Pandering to women, yet still under-representing women? CHECK

*Sound and fury, signifying nothing? CHECK

That last part rings especially true because there been a lot of yelling discussion about how a vote for (BLANK) is a vote for our complete annihilation as a country and as a superpower. I think we’ve all made our beds by now, cast our early votes or have made up our minds who we’re voting for. If this election will indeed be the undoing of our country, it’s out of our hands now, so best pick up a drink and toast our good fortune to live in a country that allows us to get this upset over anything.

Will Washington State allow marriage equality? Probably.

Will California repeal its death penalty? Probably not, but it would have been nice to get rid of Charles Manson when we had the chance.

Will Virginia vote for Mitt Romney or the President? Don’t spoil it! I want to be surprised!

This year, if you have followed the news at all, you have been put through unimaginable torture and deserve the night off next Tuesday. A tip for your drink of choice:

Sparkling Swing State Shooters

Being a resident of solid blue California, our largest-in-the-nation 55 electoral college votes are already neatly tucked away, so we’re not deciding any election any time soon. This election will be determined, once again, by the “Swing States”: Ohio, Virginia, Florida, Wisconsin, New Hampshire, Iowa and Colorado. While you watch the results spill in, take a sip of your two options:

The ‘Leans Obama’

1 part red table wine or dark Sangria

2 parts Ginger Ale

Tall glass of ice

This light blue drink will give you a friendly, affordable buzz on whenever President Obama pulls in another victory state.

The ‘Leans Romney’

 1 part Bacardi Raspberry Mojito mix

2 parts Ginger Ale

Tall glass of ice

This fancier pink drink that comes on sweet and leaves you bitter is a nice compliment to Governor Romney’s next win.

Election Day. Relax. It’s only a game.


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Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

Adam is a writer of gay-themed sci-fi thrillers. He lives in Los Angeles with his nurse fiancé and dachshund. Keep up with what he’s drinking on Twitter @TheAdamSass. Read more finger-wagging opinion & gay news with the new Stay on Fountain e-book: “A Look at the Great Gay Tipping Point”.