In May 2008, the California State Supreme Court ruled that gays in California must be able to legally marry, or it would violate the state’s laws.  18,000 couples were married before the very public Prop 8 vote took that right from us.  It was ruled that those 18,000 couples would be allowed to keep their legal marriages, but no more would be allowed in.

Since then, a series of exhausting trials have been our stony path back to marriage.

PoliGlot has a wonderful breakdown of Prop 8′s journey so far.  However, it is full of legalese.

Let me describe it for you in tarot cards.

Why Tarot?  My good friend, and designer of Stay on Fountain, Tiffany Rose, once did a tarot reading on me.  It was supposed to represent a timeline of my life.  She was surprised to see that it was all “Swords” cards, leading to the finish, “The King of Cups.”

Swords mean just that, battle.  Strife, struggles, trials.  The King of Cups of is a man of wisdom.  Seems simple enough: whole lotta struggles and trials lead to wisdom.  But the King of Cups is also tricky and mysterious.  He is volatile and untrustworthy.  The King of Cups is bipolar and can swing between rash anger and unmovable depression if he doesn’t walk a careful, thoughtful and intelligent line.

Which is exactly how we are going to win marriage for all for good.  It’s why this endles, endless series of trials and appeals will pay dividends to ensure that when we do achieve Equality, it will be for keeps.

Or, failing that, we do a nasty citizen’s vote again, and we take it back on their same shitty terms.

Tomorrow the Appeals Court rules on whether or not Prop 8 was indeed Unconstitutional.  If the answer is NO, it was perfectly legal, our opponents all high five each other, we dance gay in the streets and then counter-appeal in the morning.  If the answer is YES, it was illegal as shit, our opponents all harrumph, we dance gay in the streets and then wake up in the morning to find that our opponents have counter-appealed.

Either way, yes or no, this goes on to another court.  But for a while, it will SEEM as if the fight is over.

Think of this as Season 5 of “Buffy.”  It ends with a gravestone, but we’re not stupid.  There’s two more seasons still to go, and so Season 6 begins with a resurrection.

This counter-appeals court (aka Season 6) is called an en banc.  What en banc means is that a full bench of appeals judges (that’s 11 of those bad boys) will hear the WHOLE DAMN SHEBANG again, instead of in Season 5, where we only went in front of a panel of 3.  A panel of 3 can never overrule another panel.  Only an en banc can destroy them.

Like in Season 6 of “Buffy,” the enemy was within.  We are going to see, following tomorrow’s decision, particularly if it is a loss for us, an attempt within the gay community to draft a citizen’s vote in time for the November 2012 election.  While there might be the votes and momentum to assure a win, it will be short-sighted.  It will cripple the Prop 8 case by making it pointless.  We need this trial to progress to the last season, because if we win all the marbles, it will set off a chain reaction that will poison pill every future citizen’s vote that would attempt to take our rights away again.

This endurance test will then continue into Season 7, the last one, where the en banc‘s decision will be appealed a THIRD TIME into one of two outcomes– a super en banc, basically an en banc except there’s more judges, or….

THE BIG BAD.  The Supreme Court of the United States.  9 judges, no cameras, the final word.

The Supreme Court could also be Season 6, should the lawyers finagle it right, but I doubt it.  The timeline of this is strange and unpredictable.  It took us over a year just to get to the Appeals Court decision.  The Supreme Court can deliberate in a week or forever.  That’s the timeline we’re looking at: between a week and forever.  Somewhere in there.

So, 10 AM Pacific Time, Tuesday, February 7th, 2012, watch with me.  Let’s take that next step towards the King of Cups with care, thought and intelligence.

Washington will get its gays married, by Joe!  And Starbucks, one of the longest supporters of gay rights, publicly announced last month that they supported this bill (along with other Washington-based corp giants like Microsoft, Nike and Google).  As well they should!  The company knows to keep its one trillion sassy gay baristas happy, lest they get the pissy gay stink eye.  If they can give me the eye of the unicorn when I ask them where the venti-sized straws are, I can only imagine what they’d do if I stood in the way of their marriage rights.

However, ever since The People’s Court became DVR-able, opponents of gay rights have had much more flexible schedules, and they’re all ready to get their Starbucks protest on.  But first, they’ve got to lace up their Nike sneakers, open their Microsoft laptop and Google map which exact Starbucks is getting protested in their neighborhood.

“Christians are upset with Starbucks for turning against God,” said Steven Andrew, president of USA Christian Ministries.

“This important legislation is aligned with Starbucks business practices and upholds our belief in the equal treatment of partners,” said Kalen Holmes, Executive VP for Partner Resources at Starbucks. “It is core to who we are and what we value as a company.”

“Yeah, but Bible,” said Mr. Andrew, rebuttal.

Steven Andrew, President of USA Christian Ministries, courtesy of David Kawena and UnicornBooty.com

I wish the protestors well, as we all have our right to assembly, no matter how unlikable they are as dinner guests, but I must caution anyone planning a protest to look at this list of failures Starbucks has had in its tenure over our good mornings.  If they can survive Chantico drinking chocolate, they can survive USA Christian Ministries.

1) Chantico Drinking Chocolate

The aforementioned flop enjoyed the summer of 2005 and no more.  It amounted to paying four bucks for a dixie cup of melted fudge with a little cinnamon sprinkled in there.  The relapsed addict over in the corner making hobo pies out of the free Saltines and grape jelly could’ve told you that one would never fly.

2) Melon syrup

A quiet death.  I witnessed this one pass into the night when I worked there in 2006.  Melon was a favorite additive to the Iced Green Tea.

3) Valencia syrup

This went away in the early 21st century.  Mocha Valencia (a light orange flavor) was a staple, and again, there was nothing better than adding Valencia syrup to Black Tea Lemonades.  The saddest part is that it’s been so long, I’ve forgotten what it tasted like.  All I remember was that it was mind-blowing.

4) Malt powder

Malt powder died because there was no key drink that it shacked up with.  It was common in my cup when I blended it with a chocolate cream Frappucino.  I do believe it smacked of Count Chocula cereal.  A hit of Malt gave every drink a marshmallowy tang.

5) Almond syrup

Again, no signature drink, just existed as an accent.  Took forever to phase out of existence, like the ten years it took Monty Clift to die after his disfiguring car crash.

6) Maple sauce

A Fall favorite back in the pre-recession days when Starbucks attempted to make the “Maple Macchiato” into a world-renown French Toast latte.  Coffee Bean stores are attempting this now, but I would caution them that they’ll end up just like Starbucks and Roseanne when she tried to open a “waffle bar” instead of a salad bar.

7) Pom Juice Blend

Another Summer lost to time.  This one came with a gay little brother called Tangerine blend.  Very tart, but a lot tastier than that chalky Vivanno stuff still enjoying a million-year reign.

Pulling “Ristretto” shots

These went away over a decade ago, when Starbucks transitioned from the old-fashioned manual machines to the automatic drip ones.  Pulling a ristretto shot meant the barista could “pull” the shot longer, making it more intense in flavor.  The only ones who miss this are serious coffee-philes and twitchy Armenian guys.

9) Blueberry sauce

Blueberries & Cream frappucino.  This one went away approximately two seconds before California and New York mandated that calorie counts be listed next to drinks.  Delicious coincidence?

10) Sorbetto!

Okay, does ANYONE remember this?  Summer of 2008.  The posters and billboards were everywhere.  I never once found a store that sold it.  And then, just like that, it was gone.  Was it made of people?

Take note, Starbucks protestors.  The company has flesh to spare.  They tossed these ten tasty delights overboard like so much Shackleton and his gold coins.  Plus, I don’t really see this gay marriage decision weighing heavily on their conscience, unlike Komen for the Cure.

*New Hampshire gays get the right to mind their own business until next January.

New Hampshire has had gay marriage for over two years now, and for the foreseeable future, it isn’t going anywhere.  The efforts by some to repeal the toddler-aged marriage law, and make the states that have gay marriage 5 going on 6, will be fruitless in 2012.  It is not on the legislative agenda this year, and the move is probably a coldly calculated one.  The Republicans who control both houses can’t come to an agreement and won’t have a consensus to override a DEFINITE veto by Governor Lynch, should this silliness come to pass.

Are the New Hampshire legislators listening to their constituents, 63% of whom (LAST YEAR, of all forever ago’s, mind you) oppose the repeal?  Are they listening to their constituents, 92% of whom wish they would focus on the economy rather than this?

I’d love to say YES, but I suspect the reason is that Governor Lynch is retiring this year, and the GOP is hoping they will have the pick of the litter for 2013.  What the GOP fails to see is the public’s growing exhaustion with their nagging bitch wife-osity.  2012 will be a watermark year for electing fair-minded reds and blues who will finally understand that this well is done dry.

*New Jersey begins battle for Marriage Equality and a circus follows.

While Washington appears to be sewn up for the time being, New Jersey began its deliberation this week.  It moved past its first hurdle by getting out of the House panel, which was approved along party lines.  I always read “along party lines” in the news, and while I know it merely means the Dems voted their way, the Repubs voted theirs, I always wish it meant this:

The panel discussion was a reliable mixture of heartfelt testimony and anti-gay end-of-daysers.  The audience, however, proved remarkably keyed into what was true and what was bullshit.  After one witness, Rev. Jean Ann DiBenedetto of Greater New Joizy, said, “we have more ex-gays than practicing gays, and that’s a fact,” the audience laughed.  She should be an audience warm-up comic with the amount of laughter she got Thursday.  Chairman Barnes admonished the audience to give every witness the respect they deserve.  First of all, it’s “he or she deserves.”  Second of all, what if she deserved laughter because she testified to a legislative panel that is determining the fates of thousands of Jersey families that something was a fact, and it wasn’t a fact at all?  It’s known as a lie.  Ask your teacher or parent next time you see them if a lie is the same thing as a fact.

Regardless, the day pressed on, and we heard from a lovely young girl who wanted her dads to get married.  We also heard from a registered nurse, Greg Quinlan, who claims to be an “ex-gay,” one of Rev. DiBenedetto’s many:

He said that gays don’t deserve civil rights because it isn’t innate, and, here come those “facts” again: “there is zero evidence that anyone is born a homosexual.”  He’s absolutely right.  No evidence whatsoever.  No cursory Google search comes up with this, this or this.  In “fact,” when you type in “biological evidence of” in Google, number two pops up with “of homosexuality.” Number one is “actual age of the Earth.”  I suppose any sentence can become a question with the right punctuation.

So confident was Nurse Quinlan in his ex-gay claims that he showed up to the panel discussion in a fuchsia sweater and what can only be described as “Gay Glasses.”

File this one under “P” for “Poor Son of a Bitch.”

*Governor Christie sweats more than usual.

Governor Chris Christie has said he will veto any gay marriage law the New Jersey state government puts on his desk because are you nuts? he’s going to be running for president someday! he feels the issue should be voted on by the people.  He then drew fire from all civil rights groups when he said that black people would have been thrilled to have a vote on their rights rather than fighting and dying in the streets.  He then withdrew this comment when it (twist!) didn’t play well with black people.

As unhumiliating as others voting on my right to marry my boyfriend is, I can’t help but feel that this “citizen’s vote” thing is like me asking if I can use the bathroom.  Even if the decision goes my way, I still had to ask permission to use the bathroom.

So, Governor Christie is getting frustrated that no one wants to blow him because of how benevolent he’s being.  He asked, “How much more magnanimous can I be?”

The definition of “Magnanimous” is: Very generous or forgiving, especially toward a rival or someone less powerful than oneself.

How much more magnanimous can you be?  You could not veto the bill.  You could see that the members of your citizen-elected government know what they’re doing and passed a good piece of legislation.  You could refer to your own knowledge that 53% of Jersey-livers approve of gay marriage.  You could be aware that you look like an ad for yellow journalism and not say things like “How much more magnanimous can I be?”

But Gov. Christie is sweating.  He can’t win on this one.  We will push, and if we don’t succeed this year, we’ll try again next year and the year after that.  But we will never applaud a citizen’s vote as some grand bargain.  He’s sweating and hoping we don’t notice.  Kind of like this guy:

*Marriage finally comes to Washington. Well, at least, until November.

The first hurdle towards Marriage Equality in Washington has been successfully vaulted.  The Senate passed the bill with 28 of the necessary 25 votes.  The bill moves on to House and the governor’s desk, where it is assured passage.  The real battle begins now, as marriage foes gather the signatures needed to create Washington’s own Prop 8 this November.  Public opinion on Marriage Equality in that state enjoys a narrow margin of support with anywhere from 47 to 51% in favor, with a great deal undecided.  It’ll be close, but then again, California had the same numbers back in 2008.  Washingtonians, get yourselves register to vote, and let’s send these NOM buggerers back to where they belong:  holding up the drive-thru line in McDonald’s when I need to get to work.

*Prop 8 trial videos cannot be released to the public on grounds of pinky promise.

The SECOND most important verdict in the Prop 8 trial was verdicted on Thursday, when the 9th circuit of appeals ruled that the initial videos of the Prop 8 trial would not be released to the public. The verdict said YES the public had a right to them, but NO they wouldn’t get them because before the trial Judge Walker made some asinine promise to the defendants (the bigots) that no one would ever see the videos, and therefore their testimony was based on that. Had the defendants known the videos would see the cold, hard light of Internet, would they have made less preposterous defenses?  Probably not, but this is the nasty little hole we got ourselves into.  Oh, well, the 9th circuit of appeals, which currently holds the FIRST most important verdict in the Prop 8 trial can now get back to work on deciding the fate of gay Californians…in about six months or whatever.  Get off their backs!  They’ve been really tired lately.

*If gays can marry, men won’t marry women and will rape instead.

Via Joe My God. The hate group “Minnesota for Marriage” released their newest Minnesota Marriage Minute video.  Their job is to talk about the upcoming so-called Marriage Protection Amendment coming to a vote this year in Minnesota, which would ban Marriage Equality in Minnesota.

There’s been a lot of chatter from anti-gays who want to explain the reason for marriage, and why it should exclude gays.  This video offers a little twist on a familiar “penis + vagina = baby = human race continues” yarn.

Watch Marriage Minute spokesperson Kalley Yanta, who I believe is secretly Tea Leoni auditioning for the role of Mary Hart in the Entertainment Tonight biopic, explain marriage and fail to understand that talking for two minutes isn’t a minute.

WOW!  That sure was a lot of different ethnicities “Minnesota for Marriage” made sure to cram in a minute (two minutes).

Remember now, marriage channels biological drive and sexual passion that might otherwise become socially destructive.  So, marry a gay man or else we’ll rape you, because they aren’t going to let us marry the men we want.  Also, remember that Kalley Yanta spends her day correcting people who call her “Kelly.”  Yeah, she’s that person.

My brother is getting married next month in Lexington, Kentucky, which is just over the riverbed from Cincinnati, Ohio, where he lives with his future wife.  My boyfriend and I visited them for Christmas this year, and their lawn looks a lot like these guys’ lawn:

When you watched that video, what did you think?  Did you think if that guy didn’t have such a crazy gay voice, he wouldn’t have gotten hit?  Did you think that the story was suspicious because gays are natural troublemaking liars, and maybe that guy did more than just push that “peace officer”?  It’s okay if you did.  That thought drifted through my head once or twice.  It’s okay.  The closet makes us great storytellers.  What then, do you make of the evidence that charges were not pressed upfront, the beatings they received at the hands of SWAT(?) officers in a surefire case of police ultra-violence brutality, the underwear they remained in while in custody, and the Not Guilty they quickly received afterward?

No, right about now, I’m thinking about another statistic: a business in Ohio can legally fire you for being gay.

Now, I’m having another thought, that most cops really liked high school.  Here’s another ad for Ohio tourism:

Bullying is a right of passage, I often hear people say if they have anything to say in favor of bullying.  Well, not really in favor of bullying, but rather in favor of the bullied shutting his mouth.  All kids are bullied, it toughens them up.  That kid looked pretty toughened up to me when he took twenty meaty swings to the face.

Maybe instead of filing suit or trying in vain to press charges, you might suggest the kid hit back at his tormentors.  I suppose we could just wait and see if cracks and hangs himself or shoots up the school.  Zach’s Mom would have the toughest, hollowest kid on the block then, by gum.

Food for thought everyone!  Until then, remember, kids!  Faggots don’t get pants in jail.  I’m off to get my boyfriend and I fitted for suits that we’ll dance in when in Ohio.

Yeah, those e-books will be the death of the publishing industry and print books as we know it!  What?  I wrote an e-book based on this website?  E-books!  Behold the future!

Here’s the deal:  Stay on Fountain is growing.  We’re expanding to bring in more guest writers to make sure you subscribers get new content every day!  The “Stay on Fountain” book series is just the first step.  This is Book One (Book Two is being written now, as we live and breathe).  It runs 75 pages, and has lots of pretty pictures to offset all the words I throw at you.

It’s a 10-chapter collection of articles from the past, and I promise you, about 95% of what you read will be brand new to you.  But more specifically, it’s about the gay tipping point we currently live in.

It’s no longer politically convenient to gay-hate, and by the day, we are gaining acceptance in government and our own families.  I kaleidoscope together all the events, large and small, positive and negative, that have propelled us to where we are today.  Those of you reading who are not gay, there’s plenty here for you that concerns you.  What, you ask?  My book appeals best to those who are not rabid news followers.  If you’ve ever wondered what the big deal is with all this gay stuff, then this book will be illuminating, indeed.

With kindness, pluck and a little humor, I break the whole damn affair down for you in Book One.  Where we’ve been, where we’re going, and most importantly, what it means for you, whether you’re gay, or know someone who is.

It’s $2.99, and your support keeps us going over here.  For those of you who can’t afford the three bucks, not a problem.  Find someone who’s got it on Nook or Kindle, and have them lend it to you for free.  All I ask is if you like it, tell everyone you know.  Getting the word out there about us means more to me than three bucks.

Soon, it’ll be available on Sony Books and Apple’s iBooks.  Oh, and true story, we’re selling at #53 in Gay & Lesbian Kindle books.  And no, smart mouth, there aren’t only 53 Gay & Lesbian books in the Kindle bookstore.  There’s at least 100.  So there!

Here’s how you get your hands on it!

You’ve got a Barnes & Noble Nook.

It looks real pretty on the Nook Color or Nook Tablet, but even Classic and SimpleTouch readers can enjoy a good read.

Buy it for almost nothing Now Here!

You’ve got an Amazon Kindle.

Ooh, so pretty on the Kindle Fire!  Reads on all Kindles.

Buy it for almost nothing Now Here!

You’ve got an iPad.

Kindle and Nook apps on your iPad.  Nice big screen for gay nonfiction roominess!

You’ve got a Mac.

Kindle and Nook apps for reading on your lap-or-desktop.  Must recommend Kindle for Mac over Nook for Mac– the latter is in beta testing and gives me the ills.

You’ve got a PC.

Kindle and Nook apps for reading on your lap-or-dekstop.  Both work great!

*One Million Moms makes a national fool of themselves for the second time this year, and it’s not even Valentine’s Day.

One Million Moms stepped up their campaign this year to be America’s Jar Jar Binks, obnoxious, harmless, bumbling and tartly offensive. The one similarity they don’t share with the Binks is they aren’t brand devaluing.  After demanding action (and never getting it) from Macy’s to retract their two-grooms-on-wedding-cake picture from their catalogue, the Moms have moved on to pastures new with J.C. Penny.  J.C. Penny’s crime?  Hiring out gay Ellen DeGeneres as their new spokesperson.  The Moms demanded from Penny’s that they fire Ellen for not accurately representing traditional families.  In the time it’s taken me to post this article, J.C. Penny’s declined the Moms, thanked them for the free publicity and tapped cigar ash on their heads.  Surely, the Moms will ignite a firestorm boycott of J.C. Penny’s, which of course will work.  No company has ever survived having the 3-million-viewers-per-episode/demographic-devouring Ellen as their spokesperson. CoverGirl? Dust!  American Express?  Gone!  Disney?  Orlando is one big parking lot now!  Thanks a lot, Moms.  Keep battling windmills with your toothbrush.

*In more successful boycott news, NOM wants us to go back to Folger’s crystals.

The National Organization for Marriage recently “threatened” Starbucks with a boycott for voicing their support for marriage equality across America.  As I write this, I’m in a Starbucks, and let me tell NOM one thing: “Hang in there, baby. You’ll get there.”

*China opens a support website for women stuck married to gay men.

Professor Zhang Bei-chuan at Qingdao University in Alaska– sorry, China, released an estimate that 90 percent of her gay countrymen get married to women because Jesus/Bible/Society/Mommies. If estimates of gay populations worldwide are correct, this means 16 million Chinese women are in sham marriages.  16 million sounds like a demographic to me, so ‘Jackpot!’ if I can tap into the passionless, shackled Chinese woman market.  DAMN!  Someone already beat me to it.

*Susan G. Komen for the Cure says NO to breast cancer screenings and YES to pink handguns.

The Susan G. Komen for the Cure institute withdrew their yearly $700,000 donation to Planned Parenthood for breast cancer screenings because the company is currently under federal investigation (from one asshole committee, who could keep the investigation going on forever, and probably just started this investigation in the first place to put such donations in jeopardy, but whatever).  Never mind that Komen continues its grants to the tune of $7 million plus to Penn State, another institution that is currently under federal investigation. Some, and when I say ‘some’ I mean ‘all’, people would agree that Penn State’s federal investigation is far more serious than the one over at Planned Parenthood.

But who could blame Komen?  It’s a damn tough economy, and after spending $7 million plus on Penn State’s cancer research center, $700,000 must be very hard to come by.  So, to kill two birds with one stone, Komen has endorsed a new line of Breast Cancer Awareness pink pistols.  This way, they can rake in the dough, and poor women who depend on breast cancer screenings through Planned Parenthood can use the guns to shoot off their tumors or something.

"Guns don't kill people. Cancer and guns kill people."

Susan G. Komen has decided to change course and resume funding Planned Parenthood on the grounds that their previous move was frighteningly unpopular and sadistic a misguided attempt to close Planned Parenthood for good fulfill financial obligations to donors who don’t want their money going to poor people, especially poor women federally investigated institutions because some of them are sore-headed right-wing psychos with a history of not seeing the big picture Oh fuck, I have no idea. God damn, I’d hate to be Komen’s publicist right now.

The point is that next time, they’ll find a better excuse know better.

*Santorum says pregnancies conceived from rapes are also gifts. You don’t have to like it, just put it on whenever God stops by.

A touch of old news here, but I figured as long as we were on the topic of Women’s Health, I’d throw a little Presidential Nope-ful Santorum nugget your way:  upon explaining his hard line on abortion (and on his wife’s former fling with an abortion doctor 40 years her senior–also, he delivered her):

“I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created – in the sense of rape – but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you.”

Oh me oh my. Remind me never to get Santorum as my Secret Santa.

*Bishop Eddie Long defies God to smite him.

Lastly, Bishop Eddie Long, the money man of God who is currently battling three counts of child sexual abuse and a subsequent divorce (and then a paid-off NOT-divorce) from Mrs. Long, decided to take a little siesta called 2011.  Well, 2012 is here, and we have a video from last week’s big grand return of the bishop who, frankly, should have reappeared a little more humble.  Watch below this video, worth 14 of your horrified minutes, where Bishop Long is crowned a “king” of “God’s government”.  He is hoisted in a chair, wrapped in a 300-year-old Hebrew scroll to anoint him as the aforementioned King, and no one mentions the children he touched.

I swear any minute the scroll is going to spit fire and lightning on everyone in the building and make their faces melt.  I’ve seen it twice, and I’m still amazed that didn’t happen.

My grandfather passed away Saturday, January 28th.  The news was sudden, but his death wasn’t.  He was 85, and for the past few years, he had collected illnesses and maladies that led him to this point.  His condition had deteriorated steadily for at least three years.  It’s been a long time since I remember him not dying.  This process was slow, and the emotional and physical strain this put him and the other loved ones in my family for such a period of time was staggering.  The last time I saw him alive was Christmas Day, where he met my boyfriend.  My grandfather couldn’t walk by himself and needed lifting out of his chair in order to get to the dinner table.  Before now, my aunts and even grandmother had been regularly helping him do this.  My boyfriend is months away from being a registered nurse.  This, as well as two years of medical training, allowed Michael to lift my grandfather on his own, fluidly, and adding no stress to either person.  Whenever my grandfather was lifted, he felt as if he were falling.  Michael got him to his chair, and he ate his last Christmas dinner with his family as comfortably as he could.

William Sass was loved by everyone, and he was in pain and sleeplessness for a long time.  However, Saturday, when peace came for him, there was no pain.  He was surrounded by his entire family.

As luck would have it, my whole family was in town that Saturday for my brother’s future wife’s bridal shower.  At the end of the shower, the hospice nurse gave the call that he was hours away from dying.  His children and wife went to his bedside, and he died.  My dad was on his way when he got the news.

I was in New York, with Michael, when we heard.  We had debated that whole day whether or not to make the 15 hour drive to Chicago to see him.  Our packed schedules eventually made the decision for us not to go, and we wouldn’t have been out of Pennsylvania by the time he passed.

The wake is today, Tuesday, and the funeral is tomorrow.

Michael told me, “Everyone has to go.  Dying peacefully in your sleep, at the age of 85 and surrounded by your family, is a privilege and an honor.  We should all be that lucky.”

As far as his death goes, that’s the story.  But that’s just the last part of a long life.  Here are some of the things I will remember about him:

*When my brother and I were little, my grandparents took us to Disney World as a Christmas present.  EPCOT Center at the time was much different than it is now.  We went on the “Living Seas” educational tram ride, which is now “The Seas with Finding Nemo” (no judgment).  Anyway, as anyone who was on that trip can tell you, the most memorable moment was upon departing the Living Seas tram onto the dreaded moving walkway.

Serena Williams couldn’t find sure footing on a Disney World moving walkway disembarking effort.  My brother and grandmother and I made it when we heard the ka-thunk of my grandpa going ass over tea kettle into the orange safety cones that were set up to break people’s falls in just such an event.

We all had a good laugh about it when we helped him too his feet, and the Disney lawyers descended on us with paperwork to sign.

*The oddest memory I’ll keep of my grandfather was that he looked exactly like Mike Myers in this SNL sketch from the 90′s called “Middle Aged Man.”  My family was obsessed with how uncanny the appearance was.  I’ve posted the video below, and I’m not sure what detail was more spot on: the way he runs, the glasses, the hair, the toothy smile.  I think the most identical trait has to be that pink golf shirt paunched into those slacks.  Damn, I’ll always see William Sass, Sr. in those slacks.

Written by Guest Writer Marcus Kaye

The Oscar nominations were announced bright and early Tuesday morning, and I, much to my own surprise, was up to watch them. I needed to tune in, of course, to ensure that Sarah Jessica Parker got her rightful nomination for War Horse and that Bridesmaids swept the announcements. Like every Oscar fan, I hate when the nominations are predictable, but I also hate when I predict them incorrectly. It’s a conundrum. Regardless, as the names hit the screen, I found that most of the surprises came in such a way that others I thought were locks or were seriously rooting for got tossed aside for less than admirable work. I’m looking at you, Glenn Close.

Supporting Actress: We all expected Octavia Spencer and her poop joke to make the cut, and I’m glad to see Jessica Chastain by her side.  Chastain’s performance in the children’s stage show that was The Help is her most prolific role this season, but shit that girl was everywhere.  From her understated work in Tree of Life to her bad ass Mossad agent in The Debt it really wasn’t a question of will she be nominated, but of what for?  Rounding out the obvious three is Berenice Bejo for her silent work in The Artist.  Home girl deserves the nomination for the tap number at the end alone- and for somehow holding her own against Uggie the dog (but more on that later).  The last two slots, however, came down to three women:  Janet McTeer for the painfully slow Albert Nobbs, Shailene Woodley, whose performance in The Descendants was stated as being JUST LIKE A REAL TEENAGER. An acting feat for that teenager, I’m sure, and Melissa McCarthy for her scene stealing role in Bridesmaids. It already got her an Emmy, so why not this too? Luckily, that’s precisely how the Academy saw it- choosing to leave Shailene in the dust.

Supporting Actor: This category is going to Christopher Plummer, so CONGRATS ON THE NOMNINATIONS other guys. I, for one, take “Oscar Nominee Jonah Hill” about as seriously as I took “Oscar Nominee Anna Kendrick.” Uggie did more tricks than Jonah, just give it to the dog. Seriously.  I hear fabulous things about Nick Nolte’s work in Warrior and am glad to see him make a Mickey Rourke sort recovery of himself. Kenneth Branagh and Max Von Sydow round out the group- leaving one Albert Brooks in the dust. To quote whoever is behind Yahoo Movie’s twitter, Jonah- I highly recommend not shaking Albert Brooks hand anytime soon.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I was going to find a clip from one of the Best Supporting Actor nominees, but then I thought that’d be boring, so here’s that scene from Bridesmaids where Kristen Wiig calls the little girl a cunt.

Actress: As The Hunger Games Jennifer Lawrence announced the nominees, I couldn’t help but imagine how awesome it would be to see Tilda Swinton and Meryl Streep go head to head in The Hunger Games.  I’d rather watch that than an Oscar ceremony hosted by Billy Crystal, wouldn’t you? As it turns out, Tilda won’t be competing. Glenn Close rushed to the podium to take her place. That bitch. It’s okay Tilda – You is kind, you is smart, you in important. Viola Davis and Michelle Williams deservedly took slots 3 and 4, and in for the surprise kill: Rooney Mara for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  You go, Rooney! Now my Halloween costume will be slightly more relevant. Can we take a moment to acknowledge the amount of lesbian in this category? Maybe Meryl will make out with one of them again and we can really amp it up.

Actor: We’ve got obvious American leading men George Clooney and Brad Pitt and France’s own George Clooney played by Jean Dujardin. In the surprise department, Gary Oldman’s George Smiley makes the cut for the distinguished actor’s first Oscar nomination and Demian Bichir for the hyper-emotional A Better Life.  It doesn’t really matter. Clooney has this category all but sewn up. I just hope that when he takes the stage to give his speech he unzips his face and SURPRISE! He’s played my Meryl Streep. Notably left out of the category – Ryan Gosling and his abs and Michael Fassbender and his Fassboner. Now he’ll just need to do ANOTHER naked movie to get the Academy’s attention. You see what they did there? You can thank them later.

Banned poster for "Shame". I'm not sure why it was bann-- Oh, I see.

Best Picture:  There is a notable amount of Best Picture nominees with no performance nominations whatsoever:  Hugo, Midnight in Paris, The Tree of Life and War Horse (Sorry, SJP!).  Midnight in Paris’s lack of performance nominations is surprising, as Woody is excellent at getting his actors and actresses noticed (Penelope Cruz is drinking to this).  The Help, on the other hand, has ONLY performance nominations and nothing beyond that. The Artist, The Descendants and Moneyball are really the movies that are represented in acting categories and another: be it screenplay, director, or editing.  Sure, Hugo has the most nominations and is rooted in children’s performances (often ignored by The Academy), but can anything unseat The Artist as front-runner? I highly doubt it’ll be Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – the surprise nomination for a movie I was excited about based on trailer and less excited about based on the actual film. Kudos to the Academy for their inclusion of Tree of Life.  It’s about time someone recognized screensavers. Sad that Bridesmaids didn’t secure the tenth slot for the nomination – but hey- at least it got a screenplay nomination.  Now all we need is for it to win so we can see Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo recreate the wedding shower microphone sequence.

Other Notables:

*I’m excited that A Separation was included in the best original screenplay category, as it’s always thrilling when a foreign film breaks out of the foreign film ghetto.

*There are only two songs in the best original song category. Does this mean The Muppets are a lock to take the stage? God, I hope so.

*It’s a shame that Young Adult was shut out. Charlize was another type of monster, and Diablo Cody’s script was a brave one.  I suppose the Academy wants something more like War Horse, which is sort of out of Diablo’s wheelhouse.  She would have turned it into My Little Pony.

*The poster for Chico and Rita (best animated feature nominee) is downright pornographic. I must see it.

*Drive got a lonely single nomination for sound editing. Which it will lose. To Transformers. Ouch.

A little light reading for this Saturday morning.  And when I say light, I mean an idea that doesn’t take a lot of attention to wrap your mind around.  It’s not even something I’m worked up about.  It’s so ballsy and false, and the people running it so toothless, that I invite you all to just point, laugh, sigh and say “We’re gonna win this thing.”

With that preamble out of the way, I’m going to throw attention to the gay blog Joe My God, who has got the scoop on two all-women all-the-time hate groups, Concerned Women of America and One Million Moms.  One Million Moms, you might recall, set their anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-sex, anti-chilling-the-fuck-out sights on smaller, more achievable goals that affect all Americans, like getting the suggestively named “Schweddy Balls” Ben & Jerry’s out of grocery stores.

And I’ll be damned if those One Million Moms weren’t total ASSASSINS at getting that ice cream banned for good– what?  Oh, it appears their fussbudgetting did cause “Schweddy Balls” to disappear from grocery stores:  because grocers couldn’t stock it fast enough.  Despite the ban working at grocery stores like Stop & Shop, Publix, and Big Y, as well as Turgleson’s, Saving Lot Lots, and Big Fat Grocery Store (those last three might have been made up, but let’s be honest, you could hardly tell the difference), “Schweddy Balls” has become the most popular Limited Flavor Ben & Jerry’s has ever produced.

One Million Moms might as well have handed Ben & Jerry’s a million dollars (a dollar for every Mom!).  Because Stop & Shop was a loss, One Million Moms still count their boycott as a victory.  After all, we all know that because the Confederates took Manassas, they won the whole damn civil war, and now we all speak with a twang and open doors for old ladies (except the black ones).

My point is that Mom Boycotts always work, and that Schweddy Balls is a great ice cream flavor.  I’m eating it right now off my boyfriend’s chest, and we laugh at you, One Million Moms!

The Moms are at it again.  This time, their beloved Macy’s catalogue is to blame.  In the back of the bus catalogue, there is a picture of a wedding cake in the background, and the Moms caught you, Macy’s– the cake topper is TWO MEN!  They are also selling a license plate with two men (or two women) that says “I Do!”  New York has been making a bundle, bundle, bundle merchandising their new Marriage Equality laws, and it’s free money for the taking.

The Moms aren’t having it, and therefore, they are spending their weekend on the phone with Macy’s store clerks, who are trying to feign interest, and canceling their Macy’s charge cards.  Well, that’s it.  Macy’s is finished.  Gimble’s is waiting for you in Corporation Hell!

Enough kidding around.  Aren’t we forgetting the real reason these Moms are spending their weekend haranguing Macy’s?  Their husbands are cheating on them, and they aren’t ready to confront them just yet.

Concerned Women for America, on the other hand, are so hopelessly ill-informed and missing the point that they make One Million Moms look like it’s run by Hillary Clinton.

Penny Nance, writing for the Concerned Women, is so, so, so, so mad that President Obama…oh, just read it:

“Ever the tree-hugger, the commander-in-chief ordered the U.S. Department of Defense to turn its attention from satellite and human intelligence gathering to climate research and development. In other words, he is instructing our brave military men and women to cease defending our borders and fight the new terrorist threat — global warming. In all fairness to the president, maybe his reasoning is that the more trees we have, the more structures we have to hide behind should terrorists attack. Yeah. That’s it. Frankly, I think it’s long past time for us to remind President Obama that he is an elected representative, and not a dictator, before he redefines liberties and democracy and rebuilds an America that is destined to fail.”

Syria is slapping their heads right now, wishing they could have a dictator that was obsessed with planting trees and cleaning the air instead of raping their corpses.

I would point out that global warming is a threat, and that stopping it is more finger-crossing than tree-hugging at this point, but I would be completely missing the point of Ms. Nance’s writing:  Concerned Women for America is so uninformed that their points amount to a misremembering of even the wildest, most unfounded of Fox News claims.

Ms. Nance continued to say that President Obama would rather worry about lessening the amount of mercury poisoning in children than about the “soul-poisoning” of normalizing pedophilia in this country.  I don’t have any hard evidence to back this up, but I would bet everything I own that President Obama has never secretly backed plans to normalize pedophilia.

Oh, thank you, ladies, this has been a delight.  I’m off to hold my boyfriend’s hand in Central Park.  Have a good rest of your day!

“Someone is on your side, someone else is not.”

I had myself a big gay day back in November 2008 when I drove to a No on Prop 8 campaign while sobbing to Stephen Sondheim’s “No One is Alone.”  The song, to the uninitiated, is from the musical Into the Woods, and it’s about reconciling yourself with the fact that there are some people out there who want to hurt you, and that’s the way it’ll always be.  It’s a universal song that can be applied to almost every situation, and the lyrics walk a beautiful tightrope that can be taken as sweet or cynical, depending on your day.

I choose to read the song as wise, strong cynicism.  Dry your eyes, child.  A lot of people out there don’t like you, there’s nothing you can do about it, except try to avoid letting them ruin your life.

I stood outside Starbuckses and malls leading up to the Prop 8 vote, talking to people, persuading them to vote it down.  I held signs all day outside voting places on November 4th and made sure people paired their Obama vote with a vote against Prop 8.  I was not alone.

But we failed to stop it.  I failed to stop them.  I had rights, and I lost them.

I thought of this song today when I heard Tony Perkins, of the rabidly anti-gay officially-recognized-as-a-hate-group Family Research Council.  He said that gays want Marriage Equality because we have an emptiness in us.  There’s an emptiness that must be filled by societal acceptance, and we won’t rest until we redefine the norms of culture, et cetera.

The emptiness I see is on the hands of a man and his husband, where rings should be.  The emptiness I see is on the other side of the bed of a lesbian whose spouse has been deported, because as a gay couple she can’t apply for a green card.  The emptiness I see is in a grown man like you, Tony Perkins, who saw the suicides of gay youth, some of them twelve years old, and blamed not bullies like yourself, but gays themselves.  How did he justify this?  Gays insist they were born this way, it isn’t a choice, and that sunk a pall of helplessness so great on these kids’ heads that they killed themselves.  The latest child to kill himself even left a note to his mother that said “Help me, Mom.”

Make no mistake, bad people walk in this world.  They are in this country, they hold high-profile jobs and their crimes are legal.  They are even frequently allowed on “unbiased” news channels like MSNBC and CNN as talking heads for “the other side” of the gay debate.  As if there were two sides to this debate.

I’ve been accused of being too angry on this site.  I believe I am being more than fair, given the rhetoric of this “other side.”  I believe I would be a fool not to be angry.  This is a worldwide issue, and change isn’t going to happen comfortably.  I’m not going to play innocent.  The emptiness is not in us.  The emptiness is in a parent who could hold his child’s gayness against him.  The emptiness is in a grown man who urges his radio listeners to boycott a Star Wars game because it will feature gay characters in it.  (I highly suggest you read his anti-gay Star Wars bulletin– he cannot for the life of him keep straight whether gays are the Rebels or the Empire).

Your life’s work is a sham, Tony Perkins.  I think you’re very sad, and I legitimately believe one day I’ll read in the news that you were beaten to death in a motel by a trick.  I don’t want this to happen.  I’d love it if you were simply arrested on fraud, embezzlement and ethics charges and “forced” to suck cock in prison to remain un-shanked.  You’ll need some hobby in prison.  It’s not like you can find Jesus again.

Until then, with every moment I’ve got, I will fight you and people like you.  You’re not alone, and I’m not either.