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Sure, you’re probably thinking, of course “Guess Who,” the race-reversal remake of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” was an embarrassment not just to America, but to whites, blacks, the industry, remakes, “laughers,” movies whose titles ask questions, the estate of the late Bernie Mac, actors from “That 70′s Show” who did not get Ashton Kutcher’s movie career, and just plain old people who don’t like to waste their time on this earth.

And of course, the iconic 90′s board game.

But how intact was the game’s dignity before Bernie Mac decided to dance on Spencer Tracy’s grave?  In my opinion, “Guess Who?” has a lot of moral relativism to answer for.

1) This game was punishingly sexist.

At my count, there were 20 men to choose from and 5 women.   It would go like this: “First question, are you a woman?” “Yes,” my brother would moan disappointingly.  A smile would break out on my face, and then I’d use my forearm like I was trying to fill a shopping cart in Supermarket Sweep to flip down the 20 men cards.  The game would last another 30-45 seconds, that is if my disenfranchised brother didn’t just call the whole game off with a “This is stupid.”

You were at such a disadvantage to be a woman in this game that my brother and I eventually just threw the woman cards in the garbage.

Way to go, kid, two questions and it's over. Guessing Maria was shooting fish in a barrel.

Milton Bradley’s lesson to kids: if you’re female, it’s pretty much already over for you.

2) This game was racist (at least in the 90′s).

Just out of pure lust for wanting to win, a kid’s first thought would be “I hope I’m not a woman,” and the second thought would be “I hope I’m white.”  The later editions of the game would include more skin tone varieties, but in its first printing, hello whitey!

The "Guess Who?" kiss of death.

3) This game said, loud and clear, “NO BALDIES!”

There were a couple of bald guys in this game, and they were next on the list of people you didn’t want to be.  Tom, Bill, Richard and Sam, each bald, each with a different color of “side-bald-hair.”  They were easy pickin’s once you caught on that your opponent was follically receding.  I mean, your mystery face bald man could have worn a hat to conceal it, but then that defining characteristic would have made him even easier to spot.

You can already sense this “Guess Who?” pattern of bit-by-bit, the less defining characteristics you had, the longer you survived in the game.

Peter was a gold mine card, unless your opponent outright asked "Do you look like Rodney Dangerfield?"

4) The game taught you how to be a criminal.

“Guess Who?” was a training ground for folks who don’t want to get picked out of a lineup.  You’re gonna commit a crime?  Don’t wear big hoop earrings.  Don’t be bald.  Don’t be black.  Don’t be too tall.  Don’t be too short.  Don’t wear a green beret.  Nothing.

Or, wait a minute!  Maybe you should overdo it.  Yeah, if I’m gonna rob a bank, I won’t put on a black ski mask.  I’ll dress like Maria from “Guess Who?” and no one will ever find me.  She’s the most recognizable of them all, which makes her hugely stupid to play with in the game, but enormously helpful in real life (providing you can ditch the get-up in a trashcan outside the ATM).

Marcellus Wallace: not a good person to be in the game.

5) The game wanted you to be white collar.

Remember Eric in the game?  He was a cop.  Remember Alex?  He looked like a carnival barker.  Remember Paul?  Nope?

That’s because Paul was probably a businessman.  Or a stock broker.  Or a politician.  He was someone’s boss.  The point is, you were more anonymous if you had a 9 to 5, white collar job that required you to have a suit.  Some job that didn’t leave a mark on you by the end of the day.  No soot from the mines.  No oil from the cars.  No grease from the fryers.  No uniforms of any kind.

Sorry, Hipster. Even in your conforming non-conformity, you would lose in the big Republican game of "Guess Who?"

This game was pure capitalism.  You don’t want a name tag, you want your name on the door.

6) This game promoted conformity and anonymity.

The insidiousness of this game design is outrageous!  Kids with no racist or misogynist tendencies, through sheer will of (game) survival, actively avoided or hoped to avoid being a minority.  The whiter you were, the more hair you had, the more ordinary you were, the less defining characteristics you possessed, the greater your chances of existing in the game were.  Children, it’s very simple, the majority is safer (and therefore better).

“Guess Who?” preyed on our pack mentalities and fanned the flames of conformity.   So much for the Burger King Kids Club.

Don't you go to hell for this stuff?