The life of a pure fundamentalist Christian must be a life of nonstop gnawing terror. The sky is constantly falling in their world. As a gay man who writes about the world he lives in, I don’t think the sky is always falling. I believe I live in a treehouse in a beautiful jungle, and I’m just pointing out the pythons and red-spotted toads to my fellow jungle dwellers so that we may go on savoring the warm breeze.
However, after this week’s news stories, I worry about my opponents. I’m concerned for their mental health, truly. I wonder how far down this rabbit hole they’re willing to go before they suffer a devastating nervous collapse?
*A pastor in Oklahoma, Bill Ledbetter, gave a 13-minute sermon raging against gay marriage and abortion yesterday to his flock. By flock, I mean the Democratically-elected officials in the OK House of Representatives.
Some notable, some say ‘teachable,’ moments (bolding mine):
4:02– [Thomas Jefferson] never intended for the Separation Clause… to mean to keep the church out of the state’s business. He intended to keep the state out of the church’s business! Pastor Ledbetter not only speaks to God, but also to the dead body of Thomas Jefferson.
9:39– A reprobate mind says…that it’s okay for a man to marry a man… Folks, that’s not enlightenment! That’s spiritual darkness! And if we think that…God’s gonna [be pleased] about that and say, ‘Well, God Bless America,’ I would invite us to think again. I have one thing to say to that: I don’t talk to God on a regular basis like Pastor Ledbetter, but I can bet that He isn’t an asshole who refers to Himself in the third person. I bet He would give a shit about the whole pronoun capitalization thing either.
10:30– We need to overturn the shedding of innocent blood of this land. Fifty million babies. You know where they all are? All those babies on the crystal sea before God. I can see them out there on the sea. “Cootchie Coo!” It was at this point that Pastor Ledbetter defied my expectations and DIDN’T fall to the floor of the house, the victim of a long-gestating stroke. Instead, he kept talking about how America needed to work the idea of hell into the Constitution more.
No, you don’t have to watch the whole thing. Unless, you’re a neurologist and think you can pick up on some clues as to what might be troubling Pastor Ledbetter.
*A pastor in California, Steven Andrew of USA Christian Ministries, believes that abortions and acceptance of gays has incurred the Lord’s wrath (again), and that is why the great capital-H He destroyed America’s economy. Pastor Andrew says legend tells that the kingdom will receive its riches once more when a Christian sits on the Oval Office throne. And not an Obama Christian, a Santorum Christian. Not sure, the Lord was fuzzy on the facts about what kind of Christian He meant. Pastor Andrew offers evidence. Exhibits A through Z: Chronicles 7: 13-14 “Do you believe God? He sends prosperity for obedience and famine for sins.”
What about the economic boom times we were experiencing when we had a Christian in the White House who was getting blown by interns on said throne? Then an even Christian-er Christian came into the White House, and our money fell into a wood chipper. Easily explained! We’ll now play “Six Degrees of Gay Acceptance Calamities”! You see, we lost all our money due in large part to the deregulations and upper class tax cuts we gave during the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, the cost of which also greatly contributed, which were explained away by President Bush because of 9/11, which was caused by…gay acceptance!
I cannot imagine that even people of faith believe that God controls the ups and downs of our economy like so much Israel.
*A pastor in Harlem believes conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart didn’t die of high blood pressure and a heart condition, as many thought, but was instead murrrrrdered by President Obama because…Mr. Breitbart knew too much. What did he know? He uncovered hard proof that Osama Bin Laden wasn’t killed at all! It was all part of a plan to woo public opinion his way, which would have worked if this so-called victory weren’t overshadowed by the president’s evil affordable medical and dental plans. But what of this hard evidence? Where is it now? Gone! Perhaps destroyed in the fireplace! I can just see the president now, in his office, hanging up the phone call he received from the CIA that Breitbart’s demise appeared to be brought on by heart failure and not garrote wire. The president, near sexual ecstasy from the thought of this perfect crime, fills a rocks glass with fine Kentucky Bourbon and tosses the incriminating evidence in the fire. He stands by the flames, sipping his drink, watching his freedom emerge like a phoenix from the ashes of the damning proof of his coverup. The flames reflect in his dark, bloodless eyes, and he brings his hand past the fireplace gate into the inferno itself. Why? Maybe he wants to prove to the little boy in himself that he can still feel. Or maybe he’s simply fixing for another dangerous rush. All he knows is that he never wants this feeling to end. This power.
Oh, but I know too much now. I will be silenced next! Like the Harlem pastor will surely be silenced! You, reader, you must remember my words! If I disappear, you must spread this information! Obama is only a man. He can’t kill us all!
*A woman in Minnesota, Kalley Yanta, don’t call her Kelly, she of the Minnesota Marriage (Two) Minute videos, usually keeps her talking points to strictly why gays are bad for society. However, today, she’s got something else to say!
Actually, her video is right here. Ohhh, I can’t keep the secret any longer, I’m too excited! She’s upset about all the babies she “aborted” when she was on birth control pills!
Kalley-Not-Kelly, like Pastor Ledbetter, must have almost nightly nightmares about dead babies.
I’m not sure of the specifics again (I’m very slow and can’t keep up with these pros), but I think she said that the soul begins before fertilization, which means the soul begins in the egg, or it begins in the penis and shoots towards the egg, which normally holds its arms open to catch the soul-sperm, but when using birth control pills, the sperm falls through the uterine lining and cracks…like an egg?
And Kalley-Not-Kelly is wracked with guilt about her belief that if she gets to heaven (IF? If her belief system is true, heaven must be EMP-TEE), she’ll have to answer to the hundreds of babies she “aborted” with her birth control pills. What about her five miscarriages? Will she have to greet them, as well? So many questions!
If the soul resides in the penis, as Virginia congressmen believe, then…Good Lord! How many countless baby ghosts will I have to answer to? My sperm have been going nowhere for nearly two decades.
I want that kid from Heaven is For Real Real to tug on Kalley-Not-Kelly’s Veruca Salt costume and tell her, “Thousands of women explaining themselves to a crowd of baby ghosts? I don’t remember seeing that part.”
*A school in Iowa, Dunkerton High (Go Kangaroos!), organized an assembly meant to teach kids about bullying. To illustrate the effects of bullying, Dunkerton called on missionary rock band Junkyard Prophet, founded by hate rocker extraordinaire Bradlee Dean! That’s two ‘E’s, baby!
Ohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiit, those Dunkerton juniors and seniors got their asses done PUNKED by Junkyard Prophet. Here’s what the boys and girls learned from the assembly:
-If you’re a gay dude, you will die before you reach age 42
-At that point, you’ll fry in hell
-Lady Gaga will meet you fags there, when she dies of her drug overdose
-Here’s what an aborted fetus looks like
-Girls who aren’t virgins will wear mud on their wedding dresses
-Repeat this mantra about staying pure (Girls side only)
-Repeat this mantra about being submissive to your husband (Still, just the girls)
-Any attempts to leave the building or confront Junkyard Prophet will be met with screams and ridicule that you’re being a disrespectful cooze who needs some manners
-Any attempts to complain later about Junkyard Prophet will be met with circulated flyers about whiny students keeping their traps shut
You learn so much at assemblies! I miss them! You know, I think in the end, those boys and girls really did learn a lot about bullying. Cheers to you, Dunkerton, and your unorthodox and most irregular teaching methods!
What I’ve learned about grown-up bullies is that the only way through this jungle is to laugh. Our opponents are funny as shit, and like Rodney Dangerfield, they’re working well into their 70’s. I only wish Dangerfield got half the respect these jokers have.
As for the will of God, and the Great Beyond, our ultimate fate will be one of two things:
Or, we’ll all wave at our opponents one day, when we drive past that Great Asylum in the Sky in our Sky BMW. Either way, smile and drink up now, while there are still earthly pleasures to be had!
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Written by Adam Sass
ADAM SASS begins all his writing in Sharpie on dozens of Starbucks pastry bags. This may cause him to be late making your cappuccino, and he sincerely apologizes. His Writer’s Digest-honored story “98% Graves” appeared in the anthology STARTLING SCI-FI: NEW TALES OF THE BEYOND. He lives in New York City with his husband and two dachshunds.
Find Adam at AdamSassBooks.com, his pop culture writing at GeeksOut.org, or keep up with him on his (over)active Twitter @TheAdamSass.