Okay, here we go…

MARYLAND! –baton pass–

The Governor-backed marriage amendment in the land of crabs, Ravens and shitloads of crack has a long road ahead, as The Washington Post reports today.  The area is seen as a natural soft spot for Marriage Equality.  It’s adjacent to what is rapidly becoming the 13 colonies of equality (Most of New England and Maryland-sharer D.C. are currently enjoying marriage freedom).  The state is also Democrat-controlled in both senate houses.

However, Maryland grows their Democrats fussier, and the Maryland Equality bill (which looks to be formally introduced next week), could be committeed to death.  A bill usually goes through a single committee, then to each of the houses, then to the governor’s desk, and then it’s a law!

At least, that's what this guy told me.


What the writers Schoolhouse Rock failed to convey was that a bill could be split into two committees, doubling the length of the bill’s fine-tooth-combing and ultimately delaying the bill’s passage.  The show’s producers figured that animating that part of the legislative process would be too “disappointing” and “emotionally taxing” for impressionable Gen X children.

In Maryland’s defense, um…they’re bothering to try at all?  No, the idea is to avoid last year’s Maryland Equality crib death and split the decision over to the Health and Government Operations Committee as well, which congressional aides have admitted is friendlier to civil rights issues.  So, this could be a longer wait but a surer bet.  Longer wait or surer bet?

Why is always “or” and never “and”?  Sigh.

–baton pass!– NORTH CAROLINA!

North Carolina is prepping a marriage discrimination amendment that for at least a handful of hate groups is proving to be as eagerly anticipated a summer event as whether or not Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman will be stupid.  However, these hate groups, led by Americans for Truth About (Against?) Homosexuality, don’t like being called hate groups.  At least as classified by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC).

That’s why the groups and their “rent-a-reverends” loaded up a van the day after observing Dr. King Day and headed to Montgomery, Alabama to protest outside the SPLC to say that they aren’t hate groups…

…and that gay men mix sperm and poop and will kill us all.

North Carolina pastor Patrick Wooden of the (I’m not kidding) Upper Room Church of Christ in God went on RightWingWatch Radio on January 14th with his fellow rallyer Pete LaBarbera of ATAH, and said this– (I have included this picture of Alfred the Butler from Batman: The Animated Series because I want you to imagine Pastor Wooden saying all this to his unchanged face:


Doesn’t he sound like the crazy guy you try to ignore at a McDonald’s?

Let’s revisit the text:

“WOODEN: The God of the Bible made the human sperm, the God of the Bible designed it and it was not designed to be emptied into an area that is filled with feces, there is nothing for it to germinate with, it will most certainly mean the extinction of the human race.  My belief is that if the medical community would just step forward and just would share with the American people what happens to the male anus, the problems that homosexuals have with their rectums, the damage that is done, the operations that are needed to sew up their bodies if you will, and how many of the men don’t even give these stitches time to heal before they are back out there practicing that wicked behavior. Some are bleeders, men who are not turned off by ingesting the feces of other men.  …If the truth was told, people would literally gag and no one would want to be in a lifestyle like that. Who wants to practice anything that is going to ultimately lead a grown man to about the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, or what not, having to wear a diaper or a butt plug just to be able to contain their bowels?”

Yes, medical community, why are you hiding this evidence of rectal prolapsing?  Why aren’t you coming forward and pointing your finger at us?  Could it be that you don’t want us to smell where that finger has been?  HMM?

Or is it simply that there is no evidence?  Is it simply that many factors contribute to this, including constipation, age and childbirth?  Is it simply that anyone who does claim to have a collapsed poopshoot because of anal sex is #doingitwrong?

Oh, medical community, you make me sick.

–baton pass!– WASHINGTON STATE!

Speaking of SPCL designated hate groups, NOM, the National Organization for Marriage, is preparing to spend $250,000 to unseat Republican congresspeople who vote for Washington’s gay marriage bill.  Wow, and they’re spending $500,000 in New Jersey!  NOM has really been saving up their tooth fairy money this year.  I’m just kidding, they’re using the money you gave them when you shopped at Wal-Mart, Chick-Fil-A and theaters showing Twilight movies.

Anyway, it’s standard issue NOM scare tactics, but we’ll see if it works this time.  We only need 2 more votes in Washington.

2012 is a make or break year for marriages, if you will allow me to reinterpret this (mountingly panicky) comment from NOM’s leader Brian Brown, who must have been a used car salesman in a former life:

“Already this year, major new pushes to legalize same-sex marriage have erupted in Washington State and New Jersey. And with just days left before the South Carolina primary, we are at a critical moment in the race for the GOP nomination for president. NOM is committed to making sure voters have a marriage champion who will stand as a clear alternative to President Obama this November. Remember, we are fighting to stop a small group of zealots from discarding 3,000 years of human history and redefining our country’s biblical traditions on sex and marriage as the equivalent of bigotry. If we lose, the result will be the absolute destruction of marriage in America…in your state, in my state, in all 50 states!”

Yeah, well, Brian, 3,000 years of human history could use a little tidying up.

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Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

ADAM SASS begins all his writing in Sharpie on dozens of Starbucks pastry bags. This may cause him to be late making your cappuccino, and he sincerely apologizes. His Writer’s Digest-honored story “98% Graves” appeared in the anthology STARTLING SCI-FI: NEW TALES OF THE BEYOND. He lives in New York City with his husband and two dachshunds.

Find Adam at AdamSassBooks.com, his pop culture writing at GeeksOut.org, or keep up with him on his (over)active Twitter @TheAdamSass.