• Tweet

• Tweet

My friend Cat used to explain her intense desire to see “Bridget Jones’ Diary: The Edge of Reason” by the fact that she had a vagina and was powerless to resist.  I mention this because I have a penis, a gay penis to be exact, and that’s why you will probably find me in a theater at some point this summer watching Taylor Lautner in “Abduction.”  And I say “probably,” because I just watched the trailer.  This is not going to be pleasant.

If you will allow me, I shall now pinpoint where this abortion advertisement went wrong.  Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this trailer:

1) The BROS!!!!!  We’re gonna get so drunk and party and chicks and what!  Aaaand CUT!  That’s a wrap.  Thanks for being such good sports, fellas, you can go back to sucking each other’s dicks now.

2) This one’s a victim of time.  Looking pensively at a photo is a classic.  Looking pensively at a photo on an iPad is going to take some getting used to.

3) This no-face prostitute “co-star.”  Hey kids, let’s try this next take with our tongues INSIDE our mouths.

4) Lautner’s crying makeup.

5) Hey!  But Sigourney Weaver’s in it!  Eh, she’ll probably just get killed early on.

6) Like basketball was to “Teen Wolf” or boxing was to “Teen Wolf, As Well”, movies like to think their plucky young heroes need a sport of choice.  Our guy’s one is baseball.  And as Lautner wears a Pirates jersey, AKA the least intimidating piece of clothing in cinema history, he has a phone face-off with Alfred Molina’s CIA baddie.  And then they drop the bomb.  “We’re going to find you.”  Lautner responds with that Liam Neeson-in-”Taken” brand doozy, “Don’t bother.  I’m gonna find YOU.”  When Neeson says it, the audience shits a brick.  Out of Lautner’s purty mouth, I just giggled.  A high schooler in a Pirates jersey is gonna track down the head of the CIA’s evil underground thing?

7) Two people looking at each other with a car in between them, giving the “You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’ look.”  This was a piece of day-old bread in “Gone in 60 Seconds.”  The 1960′s one.  Oooh, baby, we’re gonna go sooo fast!!!!  Except…

So, they stole the souped-up whatever-the-fuck fast car, and they’re on the run from the CIA, and they’re going a polite 65?  Makes me think of all those nights when I boasted about how drunk I was gonna get, only to stick to a sensible, single glass of wine.

9) “From Director John Singleton.”  NO.  NO.  Singleton has more class than this.  I suppose this is just another cautionary tale about putting money away into your retirement account.  Singleton going from directing a passion project like “Boyz N the Hood” to this is the equivalent of a retiree taking a job at McDonald’s.  And Lautner is Skippy the Manager making sure Singleton knows that if he has time to lean, he’s got time to clean.  Sad.

10) Parkour.  OK, movies, imma tell you this one more time: that was a really awesome parkour scene in “Casino Royale,” but I assumed that guy had a shitload of training, years and years of it.  Years and years ago, Taylor Lautner was just a boy.  Sharkboy, to be more specific.  Not everyone can do parkour.  That’s what makes it so impressive.  That not everyone can do it.  So, either, you’re trying to sell me that this high school kid knows parkour (this generation’s answer to “I know Kung Fu.”), or Lautner’s playing another werewolf, and those are werewolf jumping powers he’s using to jump around I-beams in a baseball stadium.

11) The use of “IMPACT” font on the side of a really badass gun, which really makes me think of that other movie about a young guy just trying to be a guy but the criminal underworld has other plans because he’s actually the kid of a hitman/CIA Agent/Kung-Fu Master but he never knew any of this until he picked up a gun and could curve a fucking bullet, and that poster used IMPACT font on the side of a really badass gun, and it was called “Wanted.”

12) Eh, fuck it.  He’s dreamy, and it doesn’t have Kristen Stewart in it.  I’ll see you in June.