1: The Voice of the “Hulu” Guy

President Obama may have a strong and assuring voice, but right now, I have to take a little break from it.  I choose instead to listen to the velvety dulcet tones of “The Hulu Guy” that greets you before the commercials at the top of every Hulu video.  Watch the video below and kill two birds with one stone: hear the Hulu Guy and watch Jon Stewart bring you up to speed on the Debt Deal that President Obama caved into so disappointingly.

Wow!  That’s some smooth voice that Hulu Guy has. (Our President will cave into any demand the Republicans make.  This is not who I elected.)

2: Local Pastries

Old-timey Betty Crocker recipe for Trix Cupcakes!  I’ll let you know how they come out. (We’ll never escape this debt now.)

I also frequent this lovely little French bakery in West Hollywood (this debt will devour us) called Plaisir.  They have these cute little cream puffs, and they have a weekly schedule of flavors: Vanilla, Chocolate and Red Velvet 7 days a week (I’m terrified) and on other days, an additional Coconut, Lemon, and Strawberry (this is just what they want me to feel).

3: There’s a Batman Movie Being Filmed Somewhere, Right Now

I’m a freak about this character.  I love the edges, I love the bad guys, I love the hero with his feet on the ground. (We have no Batman.)  Nolan is filming the final chapter in his take on Batman right now in Pittsburgh.  (Even if we did, he’d end up working for Fox News).

Oooh, first look at Marion Cotillard!  (Everyone can be compromised.)  She’s such a classic-looking movie star!

4: My Boyfriend’s Smile

(Need to hug now.)

5: Check Out This Avett Brothers Song!

It’s a pretty little thing called “The Weight of Lies” (Lies!  Liars!  None of you are to be trusted!  I’m exhausted…)

6: Puppyyyyy!

(I command you to live forever.)

7: I Make Myself Not So Behind-the-Times

Hey, everybody I just read the hilarious David Sedaris’s “Me Talk Pretty One Day” (Sedaris moved to France.  Did he even follow this nightmare?), the thrilling “Hunger Games” by Suzanne Collins (I can’t decide if books about dystopias comfort me or make me paranoid), and the addictive murder mystery “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” by Stieg Larsson (he died before he could see any of these books published.  Thanks God, for still keeping Gaddafi alive, though.)

I feel currently caught up to speed on pop culture…if this were 2008. (My Obama Hope poster is in my hands.  I will myself with the power of seven gods not to be bitter.)

8: X-Men: The Arcade Game on PS3

I wasted a metric ton of quarters on this game at Aurelio’s Pizza growing up.  (FOOL!  I could have spent those quarters on eliminating the debt!)  However, I got to beat the game, quarter-less, last week, in under 30 minutes, with Drew and Mike.  (I savored this rare sense of accomplishment like a shipwrecked man savors the water from a dewy leaf.)

9: My Friends Have Cool Shit Going On

Three of my closest friends celebrate milestones this month!  Cat Lamb is moving to Orlando, Florida to pursue her PhD.  Farewell, Cat! (I feel helpless…)

Designer of Stay On Fountain, Tiffany Rose, got married!  (…voiceless…)

Becky Kirsch, staff writer on TNT’s “Leverage,” has her debut staff writer episode “The Grave Danger Job” air next week! (…and fucked.)

10: Lithuanian Mayor Crushes Delinquent Cars

Vilnius, Lithuania has apparently been experiencing a recent rash of luxury car owners parking their cars illegally, making the city a chaotic mess. (Obama may be a pushover, but he’s the supreme lesser of two evils.  Anyone else would be so much worse.)

So Vilnius Mayor Zuokas decided to send a message to these delinquents, hopped in an army troop carrier and crushed a Mercedes S-Class.  (I don’t know what his party is, don’t know if it’s kosher, but I’d kill for a Democrat with those kind of cajones.)

(Maybe it would be best if Obama weren’t re-elected.  It would at least send a message that only balls wins, even if those balls are attached to Hillary Clinton.  It should’ve been her.  Bill got us into a surplus, for God’s sake, using budget cuts and tax increases.  Why is this so difficult?)

But, in the end, one look at who would take over Washington should Obama leave, and I re-ignite my desire to keep him in office, but hold him accountable.  (Sounds great, asshole.  But how exactly do you plan to do that?)

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Written by Adam

Adam is a comic writer who truly hates politics, and he hopes you do too. He lives in LA with his nurse boyfriend and their dachshund. Keep up with what he’s drinking on Twitter @TheAdamSass. Read more finger-wagging opinion & gay news with the new Stay on Fountain e-book: “A Look at the Great Gay Tipping Point”.

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