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Apparently, Kirk Cameron went on CNN’s Not-Larry-King-Anymore Show with Piers Morgan to announce that he’s gay!  Or that he thinks gay people are unnatural.  Either one, I’m not sure.  I’ve spent the last four days in a Twitter-proof mason jar.

Mr. Cameron did indeed go on Piers Morgan and said “Gay people shouldn’t marry because God and Bible, dummies! For the last time, we’re not monkeys!” (paraphrasing by author)  So, he said this, and everyone is outraged (OUTRAGEDDDD!) that a man in the prime of his celebrity (his prime, I tell you!) would go on national TV and regurgitate the same bland anti-gay jag we’ve been hearing from just about everyone on that side for years.

Seriously, why was Cameron even on that show in the first place?  It was almost as if his publicist decided we all needed to start talking about Kirk Cameron again, and set the whole controversy up.  We’re playing right into his hands getting upset, and I’ll be very surprised if all this ends up accomplishing is landing Cameron a recurring high-paying gig within anti-gay orgs… Just like it got Victoria Jackson.  Speaking of the nasty Ms. Jackson, I bet you she is PISSED at the attention he’s getting.

I don’t want to add to his free press.  That’s why for the remainder of this article, I will instead use pictures of Cameron’s pro-equality Growing Pains co-star, Leonardo DiCaprio.

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Ahhhh. It's like breathing into a brown paper bag.

Kirk, or “Kurt” as Roseanne called him in her own baffling renaissance campaign, has been accused of furthering the kind of hate speech that leads to teen suicides.  Yes, it’s just that kind of hate speech that leads to suicides.  However, there’s just one flaw in that argument: What teenager knows who the hell Kirk Cameron is?  Even if one did (the savviest kid on the block, he is), I doubt that boy would hold Cameron up to even a modicum of idolatry needed to be wounded and ruffled by these comments.  The only ones I imagine are crushed by this are 38-year-old gay guys who had torn out magazine pictures of Kirk hidden in that sacred space between mattress and box spring.

No, no, all we’ve done is given Kippy’s career a new lease on life.  Congratulations.  He was JUUUUUST about to leave!  Now, we’re to be treated to countless appearances at Santorum rallies, right-wing radio shows, and Michele Bachmann fundraisers where she visibly struggles to remember to say “Seaver” and not “Cleaver.”  God damn it, community! Do you have any idea the effect the 24 hour news cycle has had on 15 minutes of fame?  It could take years to re-banish him to obscurity.

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I think I had this valentine in 2nd grade.

Now, we’ve ignited a Twitter arms race of former lime-lighters who suddenly feel the urge to comment on Cameron’s comments.  We’ve already heard from Growing Painsians Alan Thicke and Tracy Gold.  If I have to hear Candace Cameron’s take on this hot-button issue, I’m officially firing you all from your brains.  Now, in response, The Advocate has culled together five pages of ’80’s teen stars and their takes on homosexuality.  Great.  Fantastic.  Don’t you dare read it, you are going to be so sorry!  Well, fuck, now you clicked it, and now you know all about the ex-gay recommendations of Blair from The Facts of Life, and about how Todd Bridges thought he was gay until he fucked Different Strokes‘ Dana Plato.  Brilliant!  You have opened Pandora’s Box, and now every failed sitcom actor from the ’80’s, of which there are approximately 16 trillion, has permission to weigh in.  Thank God half of them are already dead from drug overdoses.

We also have this clip from HLN, where fellow born-again Stephen Baldwin has words of support for the oppressed Mr. Cameron.  Because why shouldn’t Stephen Baldwin get some free press, too?  Watch Baldwin try to find camaraderie in his Celebrity Apprentice teammate George Takei, who’s having none of it.

 

You might also say that Takei himself shined his celebrity apple on a gay shirt sleeve.  This is true, but Takei is following my two rules of celebrity re-animation:  Be clever and be brief.

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DiCaprio, strangely, hasn't weighed in on the Kirk Cameron thing because he's too busy with, you know, everything else.

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Written by Adam Sass

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Adam is a writer of gay-themed sci-fi thrillers. He lives in Los Angeles with his nurse fiancé and dachshund. Keep up with what he’s drinking on Twitter @TheAdamSass. Read more finger-wagging opinion & gay news with the new Stay on Fountain e-book: “A Look at the Great Gay Tipping Point”.

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