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Rick Santorum is totally splooging in the polls, after having won caucuses in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado and gaining in others.  Constant frontrunner (for now) Mitt Romney is having a hard time deconstructing an opponent in Santorum because, unlike the affairs-plus-corruption-scandal of Gingrich, there isn’t a bad thing to say about the son of a gun!

See?  People try to shoot poo-mud out of a rifle at Santorum all day long, and it just doesn’t stick.  The ad has spoken.

The political world is positively positive about Rick, that sweater-donning dynamo, with his brand new 61% approval rating from Republicans, competing heartily with Romney’s pitiful mere 60%.  Never mind that in 2008, Hillary Clinton enjoyed 85% support from Democrats and John Edwards had 71%.  John Edwards!  Ten percent more!  The guy who cheated on his dying wife!

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No, you idiots! Not me--

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Me.

However, the Republicans are scrambling to find a guy they dislike the least, and when they do, rest assured, they’ll all rally around him.  The ‘Pubs are not to be underestimated.  So, with the possibility of a Santorum presidency or even vice presidency, here are the people who should show up and vote the other way if they see him on the ticket in November:

1) GAYS

‘Natch.

Santorum will push for a Federal Marriage Amendment and a reinstatement of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.  Both won’t happen.  President Santorum will find himself in a sticky Santorum-y mess if he tries to use executive power to re-closet gays in the military.  The press will eat him alive, just like they did when Obama used his executive power to repeal DADT.  No, wait.  He did it legislatively, with the consent of the majority of Congress, and he STILL was labeled a dictator for this.

As for an FMA, W. Bush couldn’t even pass this in his prime in 2004.

No, what will most likely happen under a Santorum presidency for gays would be a total work stoppage.  Any attempt to repeal DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) or pass EDNA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act) would be stopped cold and rendered moot.  More of New Jersey Governor Christie’s useless political “theater.”

He also could immediately issue an executive order overriding Obama’s that allowed gays to be by their partner’s deathbeds in hospitals, which would lead to a lot of chaos and confusion.

It’s a good thing Republicans don’t thrive off uncertainty and chaos.  R-right?

2) WOMEN

So, someone in the Republican debates has a little thing or two to say about women being able to serve in America’s front lines–

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NO! Not me!

Again, no, I’m not talking about Newt “Women Get Infections Every Month” Gingrich.  I’m talking about Rick “Women Have No Right to Choose, Least of All Regarding the Emotions They Stir Up in Others” Santorum.

So, what about non-military women?  There must be some of those types lying around.  Well, for them, he’s also a little concerned, not too much, mind you, just his opinion here, just spitballin’, women are great and all, but he’s concerned, you know, that, a little, that women have become pressured to work outside the home because of radical feminists, and they’re abandoning their children, and make it the 50′s again, please.

Women are not gonna put up with this kind of talk!  Unless you look at these tweets from ladies regarding Chris Brown at the Grammys:

“I’d let Chris Brown beat me up anytime.” or…

“I’d let Chris Brown beat me up.” or…

“Chris Brown… Please beat me.” or…

“Dude, Chris Brown can punch me in the face as much as he wants to, just as long as he kisses it. ;)”

Yeah, but that’s only, what, like, 25 women?  And I’ll see Adam Lambert boofoo his boyfriend at Camp David before I see those “women” at a voting booth.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Santorum would have no official vendetta against women, should he be elected.  Except for, possibly, severely limiting their family planning options and making sure the government, and the government alone, is in charge of a woman’s sexual agency.  Other than that, women are getting off easy on this one.  So to speak.

3) CATHOLICS

Santorum is a Catholic.  A lot of people are Catholics.  A lot of Catholics love being professional scolds.  A lot of Catholics don’t want to go back to pre-JFK days of anti-Catholic attitudes.  Might a Santorum presidency stoke the growing awareness that the biggest Catholic Talking Heads are sex-obssessed, gay-obsessed, contraceptive-obsessed, little boy-obsessed, and not so much charity-obsessed?

Three Illinois dioceses shut down their adoption and foster care programs rather than allow gay couples to adopt kids in compliance with the state’s new domestic partnerships law.  Eh, those kids had gotten used to the gruel, anyway.

Steav Bates-Congdon, a music director for a North Carolina Catholic Church, married his partner of 23 years in upstate New York this new year.  They had a honeymoon in Mexico.  He followed this with an emergency trip to a hospital for a burst appendix.  Whew, that was close.  After an emotional two weeks, many highs, many lows, Steav was ready to get back to normalcy with a life full of faith and music.  He walked into work and was fired for being gay.

If that seems crazy and un-Christian, ho-boy, you can relax right there.  The Supreme Court just ruled that it’s totally okay to do this sort of thing.

I know you’re thinking that this guy maybe had it coming.  Why would someone who was gay and wanted to commit his love for his partner of 23 years in matrimony ever think that working as a music director for a church would be a good idea?  Maybe because he’s Catholic, loves God, loves music, loves sharing his love of God through music, and found that church to be a second home?  Yeah, fuck that guy.  He had it coming.

Would Santorum approve?  Let’s just say he would not not approve.  But maybe all of this doesn’t gel with the majority of America’s practicing Catholics?  71% approve of gays allowed to marry, and 56% don’t consider same-gender relations to be a sin, which means about 15% of Catholics are “But we’ll allow it anyways.”

Don’t let this guy keep giving you all a bad name.

4) JERRY SEINFELD

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Older Jerry visually smacks of Rick, would do a killer SNL impression, and unless the gig-shy Seinfeld wants to spend four years avoiding Lorne Michaels’ phone calls, he better pray on his Acura money this doesn’t happen.

5) AMERICA

Obama put an end to the war in Iraq, is pulling out of the war in Afghanistan, bailed out the auto industry (preventing the recession from becoming a depression), and is steadily decreasing the unemployment rate every month.  People still say we need to get our focus back on jobs.

If you think Santorum is the guy to take us away from focusing too much on social issues, I’ve got a Presidency to sell you.

 

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Written by Adam Sass

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Adam is a writer of gay-themed sci-fi thrillers. He lives in Los Angeles with his nurse fiancé and dachshund. Keep up with what he’s drinking on Twitter @TheAdamSass. Read more finger-wagging opinion & gay news with the new Stay on Fountain e-book: “A Look at the Great Gay Tipping Point”.

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