We’re less than two months from the election that you may or may not have heard of. The topic on everybody’s lips is jobs. The word “jobs” has been said so many times in the past four years, that I’ve begun hating the sound of it and am think-tanking an alternative. In the meantime, I will start pronouncing them “yobs.” However, it’s the 11th anniversary of 9/11, and part of me wishes it would come up a time or two in this election, for old time’s sake.
Wait. Not for old time’s sake! The President effectively killed the man responsible for the attacks, and fought against Republican congressmen to sign a bill that would compensate 9/11 First Responders for illnesses incurred that day. Yet, why doesn’t it feel like that’s part of the conversation? Because 32 years ago, in the darkest corners of Washington D.C., both parties made a pact that Republicans would forever be allowed to control the national conversation, no matter how ridiculous.
9/11 is now almost never mentioned on Fox News, unless you count calling Obama a Muslim. Why is that? “9/11” was the “yobs” of the last decade. Now, all of a sudden, the interest is gone like this was the upcoming season of The Office or something. Sure, Democrats kept talking about Osama Bin Laden’s death last week, but it didn’t matter. No one’s angry about it anymore. We’re angry about this other thing now.
Well, mission accomplished, aggressive Republicans and apathetic Democrats, I’m officially worn out of talking about the economy, trying to understand the economy, trying to persuade anyone. I’m done. I’ll see y’all at the polls. Michael and I will get drunk and go see Lincoln afterwards and celebrate the end of this long national nightmare.
Instead, from now until November 6th, I’m going to have some fun. I’m launching a contest for Best Anti-Gay Attack Ad of the Season. They’re hilarious, they’re horsecrap, and they confirm my suspicions that all anti-gay attack ads are spearheaded by self-hating queers.
The first ad of the week is already the clear winner. It’s a postcard, circulated by the “Committee to Save the Erie County Republican Party.”
Mark Grisanti was one of the four Republican New York state senators that voted to pass the gay marriage law last year. He was not given $750K in order to vote the way we wanted. Mr. Grisanti has been the subject of attacks by the National Organization for Mawwiage, who are threatening to unseat him using, what else, money$. Therefore, to help him not lose his re-election campaign for helping us, we hosted a fundraiser and then gave that money to him.
Oh, by the way, that graphic? LO-Fucking-L. That committee went to a fine porn establishment, purely for research purposes, and found a picture that exposes gays for what we really are: Straight guys who need the money.
The kicker? The back of the postcard:
Oh, to be that committee’s official stamp licker. By the way, Committee? That hand over the mouth bit is one of those porn things that doesn’t work. In real life, it’s clumsy and disorienting.
The biggest twist ending to this whole hebang is that the Committee to Save the Erie County Republican Party is a “Bert the Chimney Sweep”-esque one man band belonging to Matthew Ricchiazzi, a bisexual man who ran a failed campaign for mayor of Buffalo and has a history of animosity towards Sen. Grisanti.
Thanks for the laugh, Ricchiazzi. Your bizarre behavior stings us worse than gay porn ever could. Consider your Corbin Fisher membership revoked.