This is Mr. Santorum’s new ad that attacks President Obama…


The world sure is a scary place to this man.  I’m worried about his mental well-being.  I fear that Mr. Santorum lacks the cool, calm and collected aura that a leader of such a crumbling society requires.  I worry about his explosive outbursts…

Last week, a reporter was thrown a classic Santorum haymaker when he asked the candidate to clarify statements he had just made about Mitt Romney being “the worst Republican in the country to run against Barack Obama.”  Santorum actually meant Gov. Romney was the worst Republican in the country to run against Barack Obama on health care reform.  For his totally understandable misunderstanding violent breach of journalistic ethics, Santorum blew his stacks at the man and told him that was “bullshit!”  Mr. Santorum later defended his uncalled for behavior by saying he is the “Mix-It-Up candidate,” and that he was just “mixing it up.”

I also worry that his priorities are not in the right place…

The “Mix-It-Up Express” made a pit stop at a bowling alley in Wisconsin this week.  After smiling and waving to the crowd, Mr. Santorum decided to bowl a couple rounds next to a young man.  This forced interaction became even more belabored when, according to a nearby Reuters reporter, Mr. Santorum told the young man not to bowl with the pink ball in his hand.  “We’re not gonna let you do that.  Not on camera.”  Everyone then went about their publicity bowling stunt, which frankly sounds like the last place in the world I’d want to be.

Gay blogs everywhere picked up the cute little gross story, and the Human Rights Campaign scolded Mr. Santorum for the incident.  I think more than anything on this topic, Mr. Santorum is guilty of bizarre over-thinking.  How rehearsed is the rest of his life if he thinks through the multitude of consequences that would befall him if he was spotted on camera bowling next to a…you know, MAN…with a, you know…PINK ball, HMMM?  He’s going to need a little Mariah hospitalization for exhaustion if he keeps up this paranoia.

By the way, in the “Obamaville” ad up above, did you happen to notice the subliminal messaging of briefly replacing Iranian President Ahmadinejad with President Obama?  So did a lot of people.  You’re probably thinking: isn’t using subliminal messaging for political ads illegal?  Oh my, if it isn’t illegal, it sure is highly unethical.  One of things that generally “Just isn’t done, old boy.”  But that’s just the kind of mix-it-up candidate Santorum wants to be.  God be with him!  When this election is over, I’m not sure anyone else will.

YOU THERE, your brain is breaking.

Crazy people want to make everyone else crazy.  These ads are trying to make you crazy.  Republicans are trying to make you crazy.  Liberals are too, but not as often or as intensely as republicans.  They want you to think the world is caving in on you.  It’s not.  Taxes and gas prices will go up, but not a lot.  The ice caps are melting, but not today, and we will probably stop them.  Israel will probably attack Iran, and we may have to send soldiers there, but we will very likely not be attacked with a nuclear bomb.  The world is still too terrified of us for that to happen.  Unemployment is still high, but it’s dropping.  If you have a job, you’re doing great.  If you don’t have a job, you will get one eventually.  If your civil rights are being withheld, they won’t be for long.  If you’re sick, you will get medicine.  If the medicine is too expensive, you will find a way to pay it.  You are going to be fine.  Have a cup of tea, and take a bath.  Read the news again when you’re ready.

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Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

ADAM SASS begins all his writing in Sharpie on dozens of Starbucks pastry bags. This may cause him to be late making your cappuccino, and he sincerely apologizes. His Writer’s Digest-honored story “98% Graves” appeared in the anthology STARTLING SCI-FI: NEW TALES OF THE BEYOND. He lives in New York City with his husband and two dachshunds.

Find Adam at, his pop culture writing at, or keep up with him on his (over)active Twitter @TheAdamSass.