It’s a slow day for news. You can always tell so when news orgs are running stories on which mini celebrity said what bad thing about gay people.
For example, Manny Pacquiao, a boxer or a wrestler or whatever, said he doesn’t support gay marriage. ”Whoopdie-shit,” says I. This isn’t news. I can’t believe you made me put down my Sangria to look up (several times) how to spell Pacquiao for this article. I’ve written it twice in this paragraph, and I still have to reference it. Fuck it, from now on, I’m saying it Packy-wow.
A lot of places blew up this story to make it news. Many of them erroneously reported that Pachyderm followed up his non-support with a straight-up Leviticus quote that says gays “should be put to death.” He didn’t say it. In response to this fake uproar, The Grove mall in Los Angeles, which is slowly becoming the set of Extra with Mario Lopez, has banned Pack-of-Gum from shopping or doing press there.
I mean, I hope this is in response to the perceived sorta death threat (the Leviticus thing), and not just the gay marriage denouncement because…no, we shouldn’t be doing that. And I’m not even going to get First Amendment-y in my reasoning. We shouldn’t be doing that because I don’t want the gay community to become a weird, humorless wet blanket. Not that there’s humor to be found in what Pack-of-Donuts said, but I’m losing faith that we are starting to see turning the other cheek as a sign of cowardice or weakness.
Do we have to ban him from things? That’s what anti-gay people do, and they look like assholes for doing it.
So, he didn’t say the Leviticus thing, and now he’s banned from shopping like so much Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. She eventually got to shop in that movie, and the ladies who turned her away before felt like such bitches. This is what our opponents say we’re going to do: we’re going to start putting florists out of business because they won’t work for a gay wedding. Gay Americans are Americans, and as Americans we have the right to choose who we do business with. Don’t watch a soccer game with him in it anymore if you feel so strongly. This Smacky-Wow does play soccer, right?
So, now, Pack-of-Yoo-Hoos can’t do his Mario Lopez interview for Extra. What a missed opportunity. Instead of banning him, Lopez could have flipped the script on him and pressed him to defend himself.
Also, Bristol Palin is back in the news for nuh-uh-ing President Obama’s gay marriage endorsement with a kind of Noel Coward wit, if Noel Coward had been raised by Sarah Palin. Again. Not news. And unlike, the Pacquiwhoanelly thing, unsurprising news. Tomorrow, news will break that kids like ice cream.
A lot of people, myself included, immediately started tearing into her lack of self-righteous credentials to make such morality claims, but then, I realized…why am I watching Storage Wars through opera glasses? It’s simple publicity grabbing. I’m going to be over here, kissing my boyfriend, and let’s leave Miss Palin to raise her child in the peace and quiet of–
The lights and cameras of her new reality show, Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp!
So we gave talktime to Palin, and now she’s used President Obama’s big news as a way to advertise her dumb show, and we’ve given her everything she’s wanted. Wait. Including me writing this…
Oh, also, she’s been getting death threats, folks. Really, gay people? Don’t do this. These threats are horrible, despicable words that do nothing positive and improve no one’s lives. In that respect, I guess I should say… “Welcome to the club, Bristol!”
We’ll get our rights through pressuring the right people. While I acknowledge the shameful sway our celebrities have over mass opinion, the amount of control Packi-Ow and Mizz Palin acutally have over our destinies is minimal to zip. Tell them why they’re wrong, but the most you should be outraged at them is, I’d say, an eye rolling’s worth.
You should be much more pissed off at the Colorado lawmaker who cast the tie-breaking vote to deny civil unions to people like his gay son. That guy. Shake your tweeting fist in that direction. When it comes to everyone else, pour your drink of choice (I’m moving on to Amaretto Sours now), and make like gay icon Glenn “Otho from Beetlejuice” Shadix:
Well, not exactly like Shadix. He stayed mostly closeted in his mother’s house until he died. More like the movie character he played.