A little light reading for this Saturday morning. And when I say light, I mean an idea that doesn’t take a lot of attention to wrap your mind around. It’s not even something I’m worked up about. It’s so ballsy and false, and the people running it so toothless, that I invite you all to just point, laugh, sigh and say “We’re gonna win this thing.”
With that preamble out of the way, I’m going to throw attention to the gay blog Joe My God, who has got the scoop on two all-women all-the-time hate groups, Concerned Women of America and One Million Moms. One Million Moms, you might recall, set their anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-sex, anti-chilling-the-fuck-out sights on smaller, more achievable goals that affect all Americans, like getting the suggestively named “Schweddy Balls” Ben & Jerry’s out of grocery stores.
And I’ll be damned if those One Million Moms weren’t total ASSASSINS at getting that ice cream banned for good– what? Oh, it appears their fussbudgetting did cause “Schweddy Balls” to disappear from grocery stores: because grocers couldn’t stock it fast enough. Despite the ban working at grocery stores like Stop & Shop, Publix, and Big Y, as well as Turgleson’s, Saving Lot Lots, and Big Fat Grocery Store (those last three might have been made up, but let’s be honest, you could hardly tell the difference), “Schweddy Balls” has become the most popular Limited Flavor Ben & Jerry’s has ever produced.
One Million Moms might as well have handed Ben & Jerry’s a million dollars (a dollar for every Mom!). Because Stop & Shop was a loss, One Million Moms still count their boycott as a victory. After all, we all know that because the Confederates took Manassas, they won the whole damn civil war, and now we all speak with a twang and open doors for old ladies (except the black ones).
My point is that Mom Boycotts always work, and that Schweddy Balls is a great ice cream flavor. I’m eating it right now off my boyfriend’s chest, and we laugh at you, One Million Moms!
The Moms are at it again. This time, their beloved Macy’s catalogue is to blame. In the back of the bus catalogue, there is a picture of a wedding cake in the background, and the Moms caught you, Macy’s– the cake topper is TWO MEN! They are also selling a license plate with two men (or two women) that says “I Do!” New York has been making a bundle, bundle, bundle merchandising their new Marriage Equality laws, and it’s free money for the taking.
The Moms aren’t having it, and therefore, they are spending their weekend on the phone with Macy’s store clerks, who are trying to feign interest, and canceling their Macy’s charge cards. Well, that’s it. Macy’s is finished. Gimble’s is waiting for you in Corporation Hell!
Enough kidding around. Aren’t we forgetting the real reason these Moms are spending their weekend haranguing Macy’s? Their husbands are cheating on them, and they aren’t ready to confront them just yet.
Concerned Women for America, on the other hand, are so hopelessly ill-informed and missing the point that they make One Million Moms look like it’s run by Hillary Clinton.
Penny Nance, writing for the Concerned Women, is so, so, so, so mad that President Obama…oh, just read it:
“Ever the tree-hugger, the commander-in-chief ordered the U.S. Department of Defense to turn its attention from satellite and human intelligence gathering to climate research and development. In other words, he is instructing our brave military men and women to cease defending our borders and fight the new terrorist threat — global warming. In all fairness to the president, maybe his reasoning is that the more trees we have, the more structures we have to hide behind should terrorists attack. Yeah. That’s it. Frankly, I think it’s long past time for us to remind President Obama that he is an elected representative, and not a dictator, before he redefines liberties and democracy and rebuilds an America that is destined to fail.”
Syria is slapping their heads right now, wishing they could have a dictator that was obsessed with planting trees and cleaning the air instead of raping their corpses.
I would point out that global warming is a threat, and that stopping it is more finger-crossing than tree-hugging at this point, but I would be completely missing the point of Ms. Nance’s writing: Concerned Women for America is so uninformed that their points amount to a misremembering of even the wildest, most unfounded of Fox News claims.
Ms. Nance continued to say that President Obama would rather worry about lessening the amount of mercury poisoning in children than about the “soul-poisoning” of normalizing pedophilia in this country. I don’t have any hard evidence to back this up, but I would bet everything I own that President Obama has never secretly backed plans to normalize pedophilia.
Oh, thank you, ladies, this has been a delight. I’m off to hold my boyfriend’s hand in Central Park. Have a good rest of your day!
3 comments
Becky says:
Jan 28, 2012
Best ever!
Kaylie says:
Jan 30, 2012
Really enjoyed this!
Michael Russo says:
Feb 11, 2012
Gosh that was fun. Please do it again. You said it! Perfectly. <3