Congress is Back in Session! (Sorry)

Long story short, America has some spending cuts to make, but we are never too broke to drop the gay marriage fight. Millions funding the legal defense of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) will continue, and Hurricane Sandy Relief funding will stop, as will the now discontinued Violence Against Women Act (VAWA). Why allow something as cut-and-dry-good as VAWA to expire? Some lefties were trying to get the definition of battered women to include lesbians and Native American tribeswomen.

They obviously weren't fans of this year's National Book Award winner.

They obviously weren’t fans of this year’s National Book Award winner.

So, why would Republican congressmen, who were so thoroughly defeated in last year’s election thanks in large part to their out of control assault on long dormant women’s causes, come anywhere near this hot potato?

Simple. They are trying to EXPLODE my Facebook feed with funny/angry (fangry?) eCards, and they won’t rest until I’ve abandoned social media altogether.

Going to need a little break from these, friends.

Going to need a little break from these, friends.

We Suck at Nomenclature! (No Joke, We are Utter Failures in This Department)

I’m saying it here and now: LGBT is a shit acronym. It spells nothing, it doesn’t roll off the tongue, its bizarre structure makes it easy for one to keep adding new letters as time goes by, and it is now burned so thoroughly into our language that there’s no ditching it now.

So, we’re at it again. Illinois is up next for marriage equality, and a bill is currently doing well for itself in the state government, but… We have this Twitter hashtag to support it called #ILequality. It sounds like “ill-equality.” Hell, it sounds like “ill-equipped.” Whatever it is, it’s a negation, but when it comes to the mashed together nature of hashtags, you’re bound to get some stinkers. We could even spin it as street talk for “good.” Like that equality is so “ill.” Do kids even say “ill” anymore? What do I know? I just referred to slang as “Street Talk.”

"Street Talk." Worst Sequel Ever.

“Street Talk.” Worst Sequel Ever.

Lastly, and most seriously, Uganda has been skirting an anti-homosexuality bill for years, and weeks ago it looked close to happening. It’s being (rightly) referred to as the “Kill the Gays” Bill, because it makes being gay an offense punishable by life in prison or death. There are several unconfirmed reports that the death penalty has been stripped, but the facts on that are about as sure as a pinky promise. Also, life in prison? Pretty much death right there. The supporters are talking up the bill’s (ALLEGED!) death penalty removal like we’re supposed to thank them. They’re forgetting the life in prison part for gay people, their wedding guests and any family members who don’t turn them in to the authorities. But no more death penalty, hey!

Anyway, point is, this is not a strictly Ugandan affair anymore. American preacher Scott Lively has been the Johnny Appleseed of anti-gay sentiment in Uganda since 2002. See his greatest hits: Gays are Pedophiles, Gays are Nazis, and While We’re At it Gays Created Hitler. Regardless, he’s a well man who is so far getting away with this puppeteering act.

Until LGBT (acronym shudder) activists in Uganda decided to sue Scott Lively in a Massachusetts court for crimes against humanity. There’s a lot of juice to their case, and I applaud this maneuver (these ARE crimes against humanity), but there’s the little matter of the organization’s nomenclature:

Sexual Minorities of Uganda, otherwise calling themselves “SMUG.”

Listen, the facts are on SMUG’s side, but damn. SMUG. How about don’t acronym it at all? I wish you all the best, SMUG. With a name like SMUG, they’ve got to have a good case.

Maggie Gallagher is Finished! (For Now)

Former National Organization for Marriage (NOM) head Maggie Gallagher wrapped up her final syndicated column this week. For the uninitiated, Maggie’s column dealt with sex, marriage and babies, during which she fulfilled the societal demand for a Carrie Bradshaw with more Puritanical judgment and minus the gay fan base.

She’s stopping the column not because she’s out of things to say, but because it’s distracting her from her new website MaggieGallagher.com. In her final post, she basically wants to continue being the voice of women who want to feel better about not asking their neighbors about their gay kids.

She also makes a plea for a like-minded “generation of culture creators, of storytellers, with the credentials to name reality…” No, she didn’t write this post drunk on Red Stag. I merely declined to preface her earlier description of “reality namers” as people in Hollywood, and her lament about why there aren’t enough TV shows about florists politely refusing to serve two lesbians (presumably right before a laugh track sting).

I'm with you, Mags. This show needs to be shitcanned pronto!

I’m with you, Mags. This show needs to be shitcanned pronto!

I’ve got two reasons why she’ll be waiting a long time. One: She’s already got her “reality namer.” Ender’s Game, big budget movie out this year by friend of NOM Orson Scott Card. While we probably won’t be treated to a scene where Colonel Graff pays his salary from Catholic tithings, he is nevertheless NOM in spirit. Plus, there is always other books in Mr. Scott Card’s collection. Books like Hamlet’s Father, wherein the King was a gay pedophile who regularly molested Hamlet, Horatio, Laertes, AND Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. He turned Horatio gay from molesting, but was unable to turn Hamlet through molesting, or something like that. It was a pretty thick novella. It’s going to take me a while to get through it.

Even with something not as a rape-y in their arsenal, a right-leaning reality namer would probably only fare as well as Fox News’s answer to The Daily ShowThe Half-Hour News Hour, which featured the comedy stylings of Ann Coulter and Lorenzo Lamas and had an inglorious run from 2007 to 2007. In their defense, it’s really hard to sell right-wing slop to Fox News watchers. I hear they did manage to snag the coveted “TV Left On for Dog While Owner is Away” market.

All lukewarm things must come to an end, though. The Huffington Post conducted an “exit” interview with Ms. Gallagher on the eve of her final column, and one of the final questions and answers rang especially true (Bolding mine):

Interviewer: Do you think anything positive could come from states legalizing same-sex marriage?

Gallagher: Not really. I hope I’m wrong though. Oh, except for making it less likely the Supreme Court will decide that gay people are politically powerless and need special court protection to function in a democracy.

Oh, and of course it would make some gay people happy so that’s a good thing. Good that someone will be happy!

I don’t speak “Street Talk” or anything, but that right there was some cold-ass shit.

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Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

Adam is a writer of gay-themed sci-fi thrillers. He lives in Los Angeles with his nurse fiancé and dachshund. Keep up with what he’s drinking on Twitter @TheAdamSass. Read more finger-wagging opinion & gay news with the new Stay on Fountain e-book: “A Look at the Great Gay Tipping Point”.