Presidenital candidate, former Senator Rick Santorum, has the nervous old dog look on his face of someone who knows this is the end of the road. He’s trailing in nearly every poll for GOP candidates. He’s a dunce in a (Very Confederate) Confederacy of Dunces. The only time he makes news is when a Big Gay Tornado touches ground.
Why is Santorum such a Big Gay Magnet? It has to do with his well-publicized “Google Problem.” In 2003, when consensual same sex relations were legalized, the then-senator balked and compared gays to dog-fuckers. Columnist Dan Savage decided to strike back at Santorum by launching an Internet campaign to redefine “Santorum” on the web. It worked. Less than a month later (and holding true to this very second), number one on a Google search for “santorum” is this definition:
“The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.”
Number 3 is his Wikipedia page. What’s number 2? Him pissing and moaning about Search Item #1. Funnily enough, his non-stop bellyaching about this is keeping the page alive and disgusting.
He recently lost a bid to Google to get them remove the piece.
The senator stuck his dick in a little gay beehive and got santorum stings all over it. If he could just kept his trap shut, then sending our gay bees on him every time he gets on TV just wouldn’t be half as much fun for us. He’ll literally be hounded by this forever. What a “Twilight Zone” episode.
Anyway, Santorum is up to his neck in santorum again. At the Republican Debate this last week, a video question was posed to the Hopeful. At the 0:29 mark, something very…regrettable happens that has ruffled even the most patrician Fox News feathers.
No response to these hecklers was dealt out by Mr. Santorum, the Fox News moderators, nor any of the other candidates present that night. This soldier couldn’t have gotten a colder reception from this crowd if he had been a death row inmate, or an uninsured American…or a 9/11 first responder.
But an outcry has whipped around Santorum’s muteness at the Fox News/Google debate, and now he’s got himself a brand new Google Problem. As Fox was busy not covering the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Santorum talked with Megyn Kelly about the audience outburst.
SANTORUM: “Well, Megyn, I’m not entirely certain I heard any boos at all. What boos? Booze? Sorry, I don’t touch the stuff. I’ve been clean and sober for over three…days! HAHAha. But seriously, Megyn. Oh, “B-O-O” boos? Boo like a ghost? Halloween’s coming up soon. Got any plans for trick-or-treaters? Stay away from those razor apples! What’re you gonna dress the little one up in? Some like the pumpkin costume, but me, I prefer the Pea Pod one where the little baby’s head is the third pea in the pod. It’s so cute when babies dress up for Halloween. Well, they don’t really dress themselves. You’d be doing that, of course. A-hehehe– *vomits into waste paper basket*”
KELLY: “And come on, it was only a COUPLE of boos. 5,000 people there. I remember the Clinton/Dole debates in ’96, an old lady called in with a question about gun control, and she got TWICE as many boos. Should we hunt down those boo-ers and hold Bill Clinton accountable for it? Roger Ayles says YES. Aaaaand how are we even sure they weren’t booing the POLICY and not the soldier? They could have been booing your choice of tie. It really wasn’t your best tie, Rick.”
SANTORUM: “*wipes mouth, misses a chunk on his upper lip* It wasn’t, Megyn. You’re right. My ties are not as bold as my plans for change.”
KELLY: “Uh, huh, uh, huh, uh, huh. *nervously applies lipstick, suddenly begins devouring the tube*
I’m sure what Mr. Santorum MEANT to say was “I am so colorless, so beholden to others, in my own personal beliefs that in that moment, I couldn’t decide whether or not the boos were gonna be a good thing or a bad thing. Only once I finished and spoke with my advisor, who told me I condemn them, did I start to realize that I condemn them.”
That’s three GOP debates, three candidates, three unplanned, detestable outbursts from the audience that have caught even the most guileless Republican by surprise. What do they expect? The rhetoric that has been non-stop shoved up our asses since Health Care Reform passed was bound to create a monster they couldn’t control.
“ObamaCare will put Grandma in a death panel!” – 2010
“What about that uninsured man? Should we just let him die?” “YEAAAAAH!” – 2011
And Santorum is only one in a laundry list of uglies that have been ragging and ragging and ragging on gays since their careers began. Why shouldn’t a gay soldier get booed?
“Gays are pedos and dog-fuckers!” – 2003 to RIGHT NOW
“I’m a gay soldier.” “BOOOOOOO!!!” “Hey now, that doggie-and-kiddie rapist is serving our country. RESPECT (but also boo).” – 2011
I’m confused what effect they want their words to have. I think the only effect they want is “get elected.” What about the other effects? Can the Republicans handle that potential fallout? Roger Ayles says “We’re all cockroaches! Cockroaches survive anything!”
1 comment
Michael Russo says:
Sep 25, 2011
Hahahaha! Oh my. I love when people stand behind an idiot because they really don’t know what to stand for (familiar…what’s her name…she wasn’t important enough to remember…um…wait I just had to google “Going Rogue” to remember who…Sarah Palin).
All that google debauchery is well-deserved on Santorum’s part. Such a joke. I am currently pointing to the door and telling him to get out!
I think a soldier getting booed is the most disrespectful act anyone can do. They should be ashamed of themselves…he is a poor excuse for a human being. Still, have you so much hate to disrespect someone risking their lives for you? Go away, far away.
This was a serious and important article but still it had many funny points which I truly appreciated.
As usual, I reached the end and wanted more. Your writing is so addicting!