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The Biggest Shopping Day of the Year is here, and every red-blooded, crowd-not-fearing American has shopping on their minds.  Groceries, DVDs, games, candles, decorations!  They all want your money! …But do they all deserve it?

I understand that there are some deals out there too insane to miss, and Unfriendly Boycotts are difficult to maintain during this time of year.  But just keep this list in mind when you’re shopping.  There are LGBT-Friendly Alternatives in almost every area (I said ALMOST).  Keep in mind, the HRC Buying Guide (my trusty source for these matters) ranges companies’ scores based on many factors: political contributions, bylaws, partner benefits, religious contributions, and Unfriendly Incidents and how they were handled (see: Wal-Mart).

Let’s battle ‘em!

RALPHS vs. ALBERTSONS

AND THE WINNER IS… Albertsons!  Grocery store chains can usually be traced back to family-owned enterprises.  Unfortunately, it is a sign of the times that gays and gay-friendlies have to hear the word “family-owned” and think dreadful things.   Having said that, family-owned usually means “I don’t trust the government, too even handed, so I’m going to start my own business and put my own ‘values’ into the charter.”  So, Albertsons was the only major grocer to receive positive marks.  Ralph’s scored a suspicious 75% (low-to-no benefits).  Whole Foods got 85% (political contributions).  Hopefully, one of these days the words “family-friendly” and “gay” will not be mutually exclusive.

COSTCO vs. SAM’S CLUB

So, you want to stock up on economy-sized ketchup bottles but stay socially conscious (y’know, for when the big gay Apocalypse goes down)?

THE PLACE TO BE IS… COSTCO!  Cut that shitty little Sam’s Club Card into pieces and get your 10-gallon drum of water and Miss Congeniality DVD at COSTCO.  I don’t even think I’ve seen a Sam’s Club in years.  Maybe if I drive through Kentucky.  Folks, this is an easy one.  No pain there.

K-MART vs. TARGET vs. WAL-MART

THE KING OF ALL MARTS IS…K-Mart!  Twist!  The Big K! An odd choice as every time I go into a K-Mart (mostly to get cheap Little Ceasar’s), it seems like the land happiness forgot.  They should use their 100% score to turn their drab image around.  Make themselves into a Target contender.

By now, you’ve probably all heard about the Target Boycott (bad, bad, bad political contribution and a fuck-you-that’s-my-apology apology).  And yes, like the War in the Middle East, it’s still going on.  But they have socially conscious by-laws, and they’re nowhere near as bad as…

THE EVIL WAL-MART.  Seriously, fuck them, they’re the worst.  ”Family”-owned (read: fuck your benefits and fuck your fake husband’s right-to-benefits).  They also have a list of anti-gay in-store incidents as long as the AIDS Quilt.  They should seriously consider sewing together their own “Eff You Quilt,” comprised of every shameful incident they’ve ever perpetrated.

Example?  Well, a simple Google search of “Gay People Harassed at Wal-Mart,” aside from coming up with 46,800 results, brings up this top nugget:  Chicago-area husbands Joe Paolucci and Thomas Hitchcock, having just recently adopted their 11-year-old special-needs twin sons from Romania, stopped by their local Wal-Mart to reward the boys for good behavior.  Four hours later, what had transpired was a false accusation from employees that the gay dads had stolen Bic Lighters, the police were alerted, their emotionally unstable children were detained in a back room while their Dads were handcuffed, the boys were then subject to two employees’ anti-gay taunts about their fathers, and then finally, once a receipt and camera footage proved they had purchased the lighters, the men were released from custody…and then told they were banned for life from Wal-Mart.  A lawsuit against them died early on as Wal-Mart’s hardball-playing lawyers made it a financial nightmare for the family to continue on.

If you ignore everything else I suggest today, hear this: Wal-Mart is poisonous and corrupt.  Never give them a cent.  Even if you have to drive ten miles out of your way to avoid them, please do that.

OFFICE DEPOT vs. STAPLES

AND THE OWNER OF THE GAYEST NOTEBOOK IS… STAPLES!  Office Depot got one of the lowest scores in the Buying Guide (that wasn’t ’0′).   I’m noticing a fantastic trend which seems to be the schnazziest, most popular brands today are usually the most inclusive.  (I’m looking menacingly in YOUR direction, Chimney Sweepers Plus)

HARRY & DAVID vs. WILLIAMS SONOMA

Yes, both brands are the gayest things ever.  But…

THE GAYEST IS… Harry & David.  Natch.  Good thing, too, because Harry & David’s cheaper.  They’re like the Vermont-dwelling, picnic basket-selling, berries-into-chocolate-dipping gay uncles.  Which makes the cast-iron skillets of Williams Sonoma more like the Country Club Senator’s socialite wife that you thought would be a little more cool than this.  They’re Cindy McCain.  Not terrible, gay in spirit, but in the end, does what Hubby says.

QVC vs. CVS

THE GAYEST THREE LETTERS ARE… CVS!  Hey, they’re just down the street!  Gay cotton balls, gay handles of vodka, gay birthday cards!  But with QVC out of the picture, where am I to get gay-friendly bracelets made from genuine turquoise?  Silly, you can’t.

BATH & BODY WORKS vs. POTTERY BARN

Oh my God, there’s no suspense, it’s Bath & Body Works.  Bath & Body Works couldn’t be grumpy if it tried.  From Sweet Pea to Autumn Leaves, BBW never had a straight chance in hell.  As for Pottery Barn, well, I’ll continue not being able to afford to shop there.

RADIO SHACK vs. GAME STOP

THE GAY NERD IS… Game Stop!  Is there even a reason to go to Radio Shack anymore?  Anything I need there, I could easily get at CVS or COSTCO.  I’m happy to see the gaming community realizing their huge glut of business comes from Gays: They of the Disposable Incomes.

AMAZON.COM vs. BEST BUY

BUY YOUR DVDs FROM… Amazon!  Best Buy is the “Blockbuster Video” of the Buying World.  It’s Christian-owned and on it’s way the fuck out.  They do have amazing Door-Buster deals, but you have to get in line yesterday at 4 AM.  Amazon’s got twice the deals, bigger supply, free shipping options, greater discounts, better choices.  Would you like $10 Mad Men seasons from Amazon or $10 Grown-Ups starring Adam Sandler from Best Buy?  If you answered wrong, you don’t belong here anyway.  Rock on, Amazon!

Except…

BARNES & NOBLE vs. AMAZON.COM

…for books.  B&N scored a perfect 100, and Amazon got a 95.  Plus, B&N has been LGBT-supportive since before “dot com” meant a blessed thing.  They are one of the first, and the most consistent.  They are incident-free, and their employees (I should know, I’m one of them) score discounts at other LGBT supportive businesses such as Apple and AT&T.  (There used to be Game Stop deals, but times are tight)

So, remember, DVDs from Amazon, Books from Barnes & Noble.

Or be sad and trample loved ones to get the last $10 Hart’s War Blu-Ray from Best Boo.  (See what I did there?)