In times of trial, I turn, as many do, to my Dad for wisdom. Recently he supplied me with some advice that I think can be applied to the media coverage of the “Batman” movie theater shootings.

“Pigs do as pigs do. You can’t stop the pig from rolling in shit, but you can stay as far away from the pig as possible. Those are your options.”

So, in the spirit of pig shit, here’s some right-wing quotes about the Colorado shooting. In the spirit of staying as far away as possible, laugh at them rather than shake your head in shame:

If a Christian dies early, if a Christian dies young, it seems tragic, but really it is not tragic because they are going to a wonderful place.. on the other hand, if a person doesn’t know Jesus Christ.. if they knowingly rejected Jesus Christ, then, basically, they are going to a terrible place. -Jerry Newcombe, Evangelical leader guest speaking about the shooting on America Family Association Radio

Mr. Newcombe correctly surmised that this was the most appropriate time to pitch his religious sorority to a horrified nation. But then again, the only people who listen to that show are already converts, so this is just a cheerful bit of fear-mongering to keep people from ever questioning their faith. Then again still, most people who read this site aren’t going to be friendly to this kind of talk, so aren’t we just smelling our own farts here? I’ll press on!

But again, like the Batman murders, our nation’s 55-plus million abortion murders post Roe v. Wade are not the cause of our culture of death; they are merely a symptom. Ultimately, the cause stems from something much less complicated. We as a nation – as a people – have turned our backs on God. – Matt Barber, Liberty Counsel leader, writing for World Net Daily

Another no-pun-intended bullseye for the Evangelical crowd. At its heart, this shooting is about abortion. All you people talking about gun control, lust for media attention, and demands for greater mental health facilities are driving the wrong way down the freeway, my friends. Abortion. Like the Riddler, it was abortion all along. What a bunch of suckers we were! Abortion.

Breaking: Colorado Shooter Had Difficult Time Finding Job in Obama Economy — Jim Hoft, writer for the Gateway Pundit, via Twitter

Obama! So, the Abortion Riddler was actually working on this with Barack “Two-Face” Obama, those fiends! Actually, the shooter was a neuroscience medical student up until a few months ago, when he withdrew. He put his resume up on but was unable to follow up on many job leads because he, you know, spent the summer shipping guns and gas canisters to his apartment, which he also rigged to explode. I don’t think his heart was in the whole finding a job thing.

…[T]hey no longer believe that Jesus is the only way of salvation, they teach that God is OK with homosexuality, this is just increasing more and more. It is mankind shaking its fist at the authority of God. We are seeing his judgment. — Fred Jackson, news director of the American Family Association

There we go! Everybody drink! Just like you can’t have a Batman movie without a Batmobile, you can’t have an unspeakable American tragedy that has nothing to do with gay people without a high-profile Evangelical blaming it all on gay people. I was getting worried for a second. It had been two days. They’re getting rusty.

The important thing is we all learned a lot from this massacre. For example, I learned that we didn’t learn a damn thing and just kept squabbling.

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Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

ADAM SASS begins all his writing in Sharpie on dozens of Starbucks pastry bags. This may cause him to be late making your cappuccino, and he sincerely apologizes. His Writer’s Digest-honored story “98% Graves” appeared in the anthology STARTLING SCI-FI: NEW TALES OF THE BEYOND. He lives in New York City with his husband and two dachshunds.

Find Adam at, his pop culture writing at, or keep up with him on his (over)active Twitter @TheAdamSass.