Thank the Lord, this fine state passed Amendment One. Gays never could get married here anyway, but… I just wanted to make extra sure they couldn’t, y’know? My marriage is finally safe from this marauding band of gay bandits! I’m a little worried about Seth lately. Sure, he’s only seven, but he likes putting on these shows for the family, and he was walking around in his Mom’s heels and pretending to be Tippi Hedren in The Birds, and…I don’t know. Maybe A-1 can put a stop to that somehow too?
Time for church! What’s today’s sermon?
Oh! Pastor Sean Harris talks to the fathers of prospective gay sons. Hey, that sounds like me!:
Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist. Man up. Give him a good punch. Ok?
Ok! Wait, a minute. Before I go punching my kid and cracking his dumb fairy wrist, let me just double-check to make sure I’ve heard Pastor Harris right:
You are authorized. I just gave you a special dispensation this morning to do that.
Fantastic! Ok, I’ve got permission. It’s time to roll up the sleeves and crack that wrist of my sweet, femmy child. Ok. Here I go. Errrr, let me just check one more time with Pastor Harris:
Can I make it any clearer?
Sorry, Pastor Harris! Yep yep yep, I know. Sorry. Just wanted to make triple sure I heard you right before I beat my kid. Ok. Aaaaaand, there! Broke his wrist, alright! Pastor Harris, what now?:
I should have never talked about violence or used the words ‘special dispensation.’ I can understand how these words could be misunderstood without the context of years of ministering to the people.
FUCK! How else was I supposed to take that, Pastor? Damn it! Now I look like an asshole. Thanks a lot. Now, how am I supposed to raise my kid straight?
Y’know what? I’m switching pastors! Yeah, I’m going over to Maiden, North Carolina and listen to Pastor Charles Worley. I’m going! See ya, Pastor Harris! I’m going to find a way to make my kid straight without your violent bullshit. Pastor Worley, what do you got for me?:
I figured a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers…
Finally! Lay it on me:
Build a great, big, large fence — 150- or 100-mile long — put all the lesbians in there…
Put them…IN the fence? Or behind it?
…do the same thing for the queers and the homosexuals…
Sure, sure! I’m guessing you just mean BEHIND the fence. I got ya. Liking it so far.
…and have that fence electrified so they can’t get out.
In a few years, they’ll die. Do you know why? They can’t reproduce.
Seems pretty crackerjack, Pastor. I’m with you, all the way! Except…I ran this idea past my wife last night, and she was, admittedly, lukewarm on it.
It makes me pukin’ sick to think about– …Can you imagine kissing some man?
I cannot, sir. But about that electric fence thing? My wife just finished watching this World War II documentary, and I can already tell she’s going to be a bit of a pill on this. I think I’m going to have to find another pastor.
I’m not gonna vote for a baby killer and a homosexual lover.
Me neither, buddy! I’m not voting for…whoever that is. I’m gonna go. Hope you feel better. Gosh, I feel so lost. I’m trying to raise my son to be a man’s man and all anybody can tell me is to beat him or put him in a raptor cage with every gay dude in America. That seems to me like at worst a concentration camp, or at best a party.
This is no good! I need to turn to my Bible to see what to do here. Ahh, good old Leviticus! So, blah blah blah Molech blah blah blah Molech blah blah blah no shellfish blah blah blah no short skirts blah blah stone your daughter on her wedding night blah blah no tattoos blah….
Here we go! Leviticus 20:13:
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination, they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
That seems pretty clear. I’ll just pop over to my son’s room, and slit his throat. But first! A little TV…
Who’s this? Mississippi State representative Andy Gipson! Looks like he wrote on his Facebook that gay people spread disease (sounds good so far), and, hey, he just quoted the Leviticus part I just read! Wait, why is he apologizing?:
Since [my posting], a well-known radical liberal blog (The Huffington Post) ran an article falsely claiming that this Facebook post was a call “to kill gay people.” Nothing could be further from the truth. …Any reasonable person who reads the actual post can see that both scripture were cited only for the proposition that same-sex marriage is morally objectionable — sin.
Damn it all to Hell! I’m a reasonable person! It told me to me to put him to death…right? The blood, and the…right? Ugh! If you want to raise a kid in today’s world, you are completely over a barrel! Sometimes it feels like WE’RE the minority. Even though that’s ridiculous; we’re a dominant and omnipresent majority in all corners of this country. But it just FEELS like it sometimes, you know? Ahh, forget it. I’m leaving this “their blood shall be on them” business for someone else. I’m hungry, and my wife’s cooking lobster.