Minnesota NO NOM is a Classless Piece of Shit 3: Revenge of the Snits

It’s been one week since the election, and boy, the Internet has been a tree of delicious, ripe fruit for gay-friendly people! The whirlwind re-election of Barack Obama, the hobbling of the Tea Party, the self-destruction of poisonous GOP puppet master Karl Rove, the clean sweep of gay marriage initiatives… Let me just say that I wake up every morning to a pan of freshly baked schadenfreude thanks to the outpouring of mean-spirited Republican anguish at these results.

I know the Internet won’t be this good to me forever, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts.

The National Organization for Marriage (NOMNOMNOM) has been ashen-faced/crestfallen/taken aback/beside herself for days that their tactics of branding us faith traitors and half-a-pedophiles didn’t work forever. Among the justifications for why their campaigns were a disastrous waste of time, resources, misappropriated Church tithings and Chick-Fil-A sandwiches:

*The 4 states they lost in were in “deep blue states” (One of Maggie’s “deep blues”? Minnesota, home of the bushel of gay teen suicides that put It Gets Better on the map)

*Yeah, we lost marriage battles, but Romney lost those states even harder! (The facts are technically in their favor here. However, in our defense, a win is a win. There’s really nothing like winning. *roguish wink*)

*We were outspent 4-to-1! (You have us there. We are all Double-Income-No-Kids stinkin’ rich! Not like those broke assholes you had on your side, Mitt Romney and the “Vatican”.)

*We were outspent 8-to-1! (Well, which is it?)

*Hollywood! (Glee‘s only current function is to shoulder blame from right-wing groups. What will everyone point to when it’s cancelled never?)

However, this is all smokescreen to disguise traditional marriage’s true enemy…Starbucks.

Yes, NOM lost big, and now they’re regrouping and channeling their impotent rage in the direction of upscale coffee stores. Last year, NOM ran a public embarrassment successful campaign against the gay-friendly Starbucks called “Dump Starbucks.” Anyway, the boycott was about as successful as the gay boycott of Chick-Fil-A. Both chains responded to the outcry with a cheery “thanks for the free press!” and proceeded to expand their stores amidst a national recession.

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Brian Brown, head of NOM, is renewing his campaign against Starbucks in the wake of his election defeat. He has pledged, not unlike Al Capone-hunting Elliot Ness, to squeeze Starbucks by cutting off their funds. You see, Starbucks is hoping to expand to countries in the Middle East like Qatar and India, and Mr. Brown is going to make sure he’s the monkey wrench in these plans. (Bolding mine)

“So for example, in Qatar, in the Middle East, we’ve begun working to make sure that there’s some price to be paid for this,” Brian Brown says in audio recording of the conference call, which can [be] heard on the Independent’s website. “These are not countries that look kindly on same-sex marriage. And this is where Starbucks wants to expand, as well as India. So we have done some of this; we’ve got to do a lot more.”

Give ‘em hell, Brian! In fact, not only is the Middle East unfriendly to same-sex marriage, they are positively lynching-mad about anything same-sex whatsoever. Just yesterday, Ugandan Parliament Speaker Rebecca Kadaga said she hopes to pass the infamous “Kill the Gays” bill (which previously mandated a death sentence or life imprisonment for gays) as an “early Christmas gift”. Godspeed, Mr. Brown! I am certain your plan to meddle in deadly serious foreign affairs just to lick your wounds and settle an impossible to settle score with a latte shop will not backfire on you in any way, you tragic, tragic clown.

Yet not all is sunny in Starbucks-land. The store has become so strapped for cash that they have successfully negotiated a permanent residence in Walt Disney World’s Main Street, USA. The Starbucks will take over the Main Street Bakery in January.

That Disney must sure be desperate to allow such branding on their home turf. Is it possible their star is fading?

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No.

Will NOM go against the entire Family now? Starbucks is now in bed with Disney and Star Wars. Boycott them all? In my dreams, you all drink Folgers at Knott’s Berry Farm and watch trailers for Ender’s Game on your Galaxy Tablets. And then you look up to the sky, curse living in the greatest country in the world and wonder if it was all worth it.

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We won. Your life remains the same. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

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Written by Adam Sass

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Adam is a writer of gay-themed sci-fi thrillers. He lives in Los Angeles with his nurse fiancé and dachshund. Keep up with what he’s drinking on Twitter @TheAdamSass. Read more finger-wagging opinion & gay news with the new Stay on Fountain e-book: “A Look at the Great Gay Tipping Point”.

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