08santorum 300x208 Hail, President Poop Lube!

 

I start 2012 on a classy note.  With the coming of the new year, the long-simmering-erupting bids from potential GOP candidates was allowed to finally, officially, take place.  Every two weeks, we were treated to another “front runner,” each of them consequently taken down by their own unfortunate inability to wield their own lunacy.  The honored political dead:

-Michele Bachmann.  Rose to popularity because we wanted a Sarah Palin who hadn’t overexposed herself or been parodied to death.  Taken down by her gay husband, his Gay Master Cleanse Clinic, her scary eyes and us knowing better.  She left the race.

-Rick Perry.  Rose to popularity because he had a lot of charisma.  Taken down by his charisma, which on slightly closer inspection, turned out to be sanctimonious slime.  Plus, he couldn’t keep track of his thoughts.  Plus, he was clearly little more than an actor.  Plus, his antigay ad gathered him millions of what the Great TV Guide would refer to as “Jeers.”  He is expected to leave the race any minute now.

-Herman Cain.  Rose to popularity with his “9-9-9″ financial tax plan, which was supposed to sound simple but ended up being impossible to grasp.  Taken down by multiple sex scandals and his bald-faced contempt for knowing the leaders of different countries.  Or what’s going on in other countries.  When stumped for an answer, he would revert to saying “9-9-9,” reducing it from a baffling tax plan to a mere obnoxious sitcom catchphrase.  He left the race.

-Newt Gingrich.  Rose to popularity because his sex scandal couldn’t take him down twenty years ago, and it’s not gonna start now.  Taken down by a attack ads from Mitt Romney, apparent sudden apathy and a glitterbombing.

It appears that we gays are a constant throb for the Republican hopefuls.  The majority of them have lost extreme momentum because of their antigay bona fides, and each of them claim that gay issues are not very relevant to this election year.  The circumstances would say otherwise.  The majority of Americans, regardless of their personal opinions, are beginning to show that they won’t stand for a candidate with enormously unsavory attitudes towards gays.  That anti-gay ad sunk Perry, one hundred percent.  That Gay Cure Clinic made Bachmann a combination of frightening and a laughingstock: screamingstock?

Americans, red or blue, without a doubt, will not tolerate a bully in the White House.  It is not Presidential.  And it’s about time.

What are we to make, then, ultimately, of the newest GOP flavor of the month?:  Rick Santorum.

The New York Times reported this morning that Santorum has toned down his nature from previous elections.  He been known as combative and petulant.  A real pissant to deal with.  Probably why he was defeated by a landslide when seeking senatorial re-election in 2006.  Mark Salter, former Chief of Staff for Obama-defeated Senator John McCain, said that even Republicans found him icky.  ”He would attack people in a smug way that was harder-edged and more insulting than was necessary.  …He was a bully who was not a potent enough force to be a bully.”

Santorum surprisingly gained a huge lead on constant frontrunner Mitt Romney in the January 3rd Iowa caucus, considered to be the start of the 2012 Presidential race.  Kind of like the Season Premiere of a show that has been pummeling you with billboards for a year.  How is 2 Broke Girls doing, by the way?  Anyway, the caucus is where the people of that state vote for who should be the Republican candidate.  Santorum was up a point from Romney before the caucus because, well, probably because we had already run through all the other runners-up, and we all refuse to give Ron Paul a chance.

Then, the vote came, and Romney beat Santorum anyway.  Or he could not have.  There’s a lot of unconfirmed chatter right now about a 20 vote shortfall in Santorum’s favor that still needs to be accounted for.  Was there foul play from the Romney camp?  Or was it murrrder?  No, no, it was probably just some missed ballots.  Still, I don’t trust that lot.

The next caucus to be counted is New Hampshire, and everyone’s gearing up to zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Listen, it’s gonna be Romney.  He’s had a lead on every single other contendor for a year.  They all just swat at him, and he doesn’t break a sweat.  Kinda like this:

(Thank you, The Stranger)

The other candidates are just too damn nutty.  So, can we please just fast forward to the part where Romney becomes this year’s John “dry piece of Rye toast” Kerry and is roundly defeated by Obama?

So, what happens if Santorum is the real deal and is a real contendor for going against Obama?  It won’t happen for the same reason the other candidates fell by the wayside:  America finally saw them for bullies.  Santorum is still a bully, but he’s calm bully now.

treehouseofhorrorv6 300x225 Hail, President Poop Lube!

Americans will never let this happen.

 

Santorum’s name has now become synonymous with an unfortunate byproduct of backdoor sex, thanks to Dan Savage’s successful 2003 push to get that definition as #1 in a Google search of Santorum’s name.  It still is there to this day.  You clicked it just seconds earlier!  Santorum’s grown daughter, Elizabeth (in the top picture, she’s the mopey out-of-focus one in the back, not the infamous crying doll baby), said she’s aware of this “Google Problem” and followed with, “That just makes me sad.  It’s disappointing that people can be that mean.”

Not unlike, I suppose, comparing gays to dog rapists, which was Santorum’s reaction to the Supreme Court’s decision to ban sodomy laws in 2003: the very thing that awarded him top poop spot on Google.

Elizabeth waved her hands innocently in front of her face, however, to say that all her gay friends support her father’s platforms on family policy.  WHO ARE THESE GAY FRIENDS ALL THESE DEGENERATES APPARENTLY HAVE?  Produce them.  Produce them, I say!  Just lead them all into my office so that I can fire them from life.

But they won’t produce them because these people are liars, and The Huffington Post should know better than to print that dubious ploymaking as fact and argument-ender.  Santorum has a long road ahead of him, and the constant booing he’s receiving in New Hampshire isn’t a good sign.  For him.  I think it’s a fine sign.

Will there be a President Santorum?  If there is any universe in which that’s possible, we will have a President whose name means ‘poop lube.’  I have nothing more to say on this.

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Written by Adam Sass

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Adam is a writer of gay-themed sci-fi thrillers. He lives in Los Angeles with his nurse fiancé and dachshund. Keep up with what he’s drinking on Twitter @TheAdamSass. Read more finger-wagging opinion & gay news with the new Stay on Fountain e-book: “A Look at the Great Gay Tipping Point”.

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