North Carolina, this woman smiles at your misery today, and that is unacceptable.

She is Maggie Gallagher, she began the National Organization for Marriage, which spends millions of hard-earned Catholic and Mormon tithing dollars every year to keep gay marriage illegal.

North Carolina, You didn’t come through, as expected.  Your citizens were misled to believe they were preventing gay marriage from becoming reality by approving Amendment 1.  It was approved 61 to 39.  What your ballot measure failed to make clear to voters was that it also banned civil unions and existing domestic partnerships.  Had voters been made aware of this fact, the odds were very high that they wouldn’t have voted for it.  But you didn’t, and they did.  Whoops!

North Carolina fulfilled its cosmic destiny to discriminate against a minority until one day the federal government will compel them not to.  It rejoins its Confederate brothers with similar marriage bans in South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas and Tennessee.

But let’s not simply dump on the Confederacy, for there are other states with Constitutional marriage bans:  Idaho, Montana, Utah, Colorado, Arizona, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Michigan, Oklahoma, Kansas, Kentucky, Missouri, Alaska, Ohio and Wisconsin.

Oh, and our big gay meccas of Nevada, Oregon and California have Constitutional bans on marriage as well.

A whole batch of ugly.  So, there’s a Constitutional ban in 30 states.  And it hurts.  It’s created a world of hurt for a lot of people.  Not just for gays, but for the people who love them.

So what now?

We prepare for November.  Because we currently have 6 states (New York, Massachussetts, Vermont, Connecticut, New Hampshire, and Iowa– you can also marry in D.C.) that allow full marriage equality.

Plus cookies. They get cookies. None for you, other states.

That means 14 are for the taking.  Here’s where they stand, and what you can do about it:


The sex-obsessed coffee-servers already approved their marriage law and has been signed by Gov. Gregoire. Signatures are already being collected (they have to get 120,000 by next month) to put the new law up for a Prop 8-y citizen’s vote. Not only that, but there’s gonna be TWO ballots to vote on! It’s Prop 8: Now, with extra confusion!

West Coast gays, this is our only hope this year for a drivable wedding.  Hit your contacts up!


The crimefighting crab-snappers already approved their marriage law and was signed by Gov. O’Malley in February.  Signatures are already being collected to put the new law up for a citizen’s vote. Want to know where to sign it?  Head over to Fox News.

Those of you who want me to visit them (looking at you, brother and sister-in-law), you’ll get your busy asses registered to vote and vote ‘yea.’  Or as I say, vote ‘YAY!’


The lighthouse-admiring Stephen King flipper-throughers already had a marriage law, and it was stripped by a citizen-with-a-funny-accent’s vote in 2009. A November 2012 ballot vote to reinstate it has already cleared the number of needed signatures.

It barely passed in ’09 with a pencil-thin majority.  It’ll pass now.

I’m against citizen’s votes on minority rights.  I believe they’re unconstitutional.  In fact, I know they’re unconstitutional.  However, I fucking can’t stand those antigay motherfuckers, and we’re taking back Maine, and I want them to have the loneliest, unhappiest fucking Holiday season imaginable.  I want to see tears.  I’ll stir them into my eggnog, and eat it with a slice of pumpkin pie, you malignant fucking hillbillies in sheep’s clothing, and I pray that you’re right, and there is a God because when we’re all in Heaven I want you scrubbing my fucking cloud with your tongue, which you are no longer able to use for talking.

Ahem.  And I respect your opinions and beliefs and welcome an open discussion.

I’m not kidding. I want you to watch this movie alone and re-examine your fucking life.


The comedian-breeding Bada Bingers approved their marriage law in February, but it was vetoed by Gov. Christie.  Legally, we have a year and a half to curry the 18 Yes votes to override it. Unlikely, but everything is worth a try when you have nothing to lose and everything to win. I don’t have a joke here, this coffee just gave me a rush of positivity.

What you can do about it is, if you have any voting say in that state, research your state senators and congresspeople and their views on legalizing gay marriage.  If they are for it, make sure they get re-elected.  If they are against it, vote for the other guy.  Politics!


Not much movement yet.  The boring states have wishy-washy governors.  If you’re a Boring State Voter, make your boring voice heard to your boring governor, and let them know that you want boring gays to have a legal and highly unimaginative wedding in whatever dull banquet hall or nondescripct gazebo they want in the pinky toenail states of America.


Come November, Minnesota will become the new North Carolina.  The state, which has had an epidemic of suicides lately for some reason, has decided that the best way to stop gay teen suicides is to double down and recommit to telling them they are inferior people with a North Carolinian citizen’s vote to Constitutionally ban gay marriage.  That will be during the Presidential election, not the primary election like North Carolina, the swine.  Minnesota has voted Democrat for the past four election cycles.  Its victory isn’t as likely as North Carolina’s was.  That primary election drew out more Republicans, and the Presidential one will bring out a strong Democratic sweep for Barack Obama.

This is far from a lock because, remember, Michelle Bachmann represents Minnesota, too.  Hey, but maybe she’s moving to Switzerland?

What About Those 30 Bans?

Fuck ’em.

Her too. Fuck her and her fat hand. That fish necklace is for idiots.

Stay out of those states if you can, but if you can’t, I imagine their supposed Constitutionality will be shot full of holes soon.  Why?  There are two cases right now, Prop 8 and DOMA, that are picking up speed and are on a collision course for the Supreme Court.

The DOMA case is made of several cases.  The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) says that even if a gay couple marries legally in New York, their marriage is invalid in the eyes of the country.  No social security, no medicare, no joint tax relief.  It’s a big mama jama that President Obama has refused to defend in court.  The Republican controlled House has stepped in to defend it.  In fact, they’re using a million tax dollars to do just that.  It’s dying a death of a thousand cuts as it’s been judged unconstitutional in several courts.  It will very soon make it’s way to SCOTUS.  That, or, the Republicans will lose control of the House in November, and the Respect for Marriage Act will have a fighting chance to unravel DOMA’s wrongdoings.

Prop 8, of course, is about California’s ban.  This case states that it’s unconstitutional to put marriage rights of a minority up for a citizen’s vote.  They’ve already won their case.  Twice.  It’s currently being appealed again, all the way to SCOTUS.  A Supreme Court win there would make vulnerable at least half these states’ laws, if not all of them.

These cases won’t reach SCOTUS until at least 2013, so I imagine the game will change a lot in that time.

There are 9 Supreme Court justices.  It’s a fairly even see-saw at the moment.  On the liberal side is Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan and Stephen Breyer.  On the conservative side is Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, John Roberts and Samuel Alito.  Justice Anthony Kennedy is almost always the swing vote.

When the dust settles on the November election, and 2013 opens its newborn eyes, it will most likely see a monumentual march on Washington, from both sides of the issue, arriving at the steps of SCOTUS like 10 million Gunslingers to the Dark Tower.  Here, we’ll wait for Judge Kennedy to decide either a windfall victory or another delay in justice.

I imagine right now Kennedy is watching President Obama’s full backing of marriage equality on his laptop.  He’s watching, but what is he thinking?

Oh, one last thing.  The thing you can do to help the most is get your asses off of Facebook (yes, liking statuses isn’t enough), and vote for Barack Obama’s second term.  If he loses, our decks will be thoroughly shuffled.

One more time, guys.

Powered By DT Author Box

Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

ADAM SASS begins all his writing in Sharpie on dozens of Starbucks pastry bags. This may cause him to be late making your cappuccino, and he sincerely apologizes. His Writer’s Digest-honored story “98% Graves” appeared in the anthology STARTLING SCI-FI: NEW TALES OF THE BEYOND. He lives in New York City with his husband and two dachshunds.

Find Adam at, his pop culture writing at, or keep up with him on his (over)active Twitter @TheAdamSass.