1. LA can get itself a Dunkin’ Donuts.
Why is it that every other corner of this country ‘runs on Dunkin” except for the one city where people are stuck in their cars all day? We have nothing here! Krispy Kremes are vanishing, and all we’re left with is little taqueria-shaped donut huts that would be comfy pairing up with a liquor store like the world’s worst KFC/Taco Bell. I’ve heard they’ve been strong-armed out of the Southern California doughnut business by the goons over at Winchell’s. I don’t know how Winchell’s has the muscle to strong arm anyone, unless the same two old Asian ladies I see in there are billionaires using a dusty old doughnut shop to launder their drug money. And Dunkin’ Donuts is worth billions! Even still, Winchell’s has no style, unless that style is “Movie Set for Murders to Take Place In.”
I would even be willing to put up with the obvious pitfalls that Dunkin’s in SoCal would have equipped. I am referring, of course, to the unlikelihood that every store would not have the little Indian girl asking me “Cream Sugar?” when I get my coffee. I take that back. I will only accept coffee from the little Indian girl.
2. Movies can stop living in the past.
Nostalgia is all over movies and television now, and it’s most of it is good. Mad Men, Downton Abbey, sure-to-be-Oscar-winners The Artist and Hugo and was-supposed-to-be-great Super 8 all took turns showing us about getting back to “the way things were,” and things aren’t so bad now– look at “the way things were!”
Varying qualities as these may be, the escape these recession-addled times long for is not into a world of glitz and monies, but escape…into a time machine!
3. Bank of America can get that look off its face.
Maybe I’m alone on this one, but every time I try to go online to check my account balance, I’m treated like a candle-pinching criminal. I’ve already verified that’s it’s me, I don’t have ten hours to sit there and remember my onlineID again because you decided you don’t want to store it anymore. I had it stored so I wouldn’t have to remember. Also, why the fuck are you telling me that “William” is not my father’s middle name? It is! And I don’t even think you asked me that in the first place.
And for all this TSA pat-downing of my last nerve? I still got my debit card cloned at a gas station, so we’re all court jesters on this one.
4. Jiffy Lube can stop crying wolf.
When you take the air filter out of my car and wave it in front of me like it’s the only remains you could find of my son? That’s not only slippery of you, it is setting me up for disaster when a real problem is actually forming in my 10-year-old Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I just spent $800 replacing a broke-down fuel pump. Don’t remember you warning me of that one. But even if you had, I would have pithily waved you away in a grand final attempt to convince you that I DO know cars, thankyouverymuch.
You have ground me into such a powder that if you wiped the grease off your hands and told me “Man, you got somebody hiding in your backseat with a hatchet,” I’d say, “Thank you, sir, but I think I’ll take this up with the dealer.”
5. Megyn Kelly can retire the lip gloss.
Daily Beast writer Andrew Sullivan has the cover story on Newsweek, called “Why are Obama’s Critics So Dumb?” Sullivan himself is a self-proclaimed conservative independent, and is one of the finest political writers I’ve ever seen. However, his impassioned defense of why President Obama should (and must) be re-elected in 2012, which you should read here, has only been getting attention because of the ad hominem qualities of the story title. Before I get to the screechers (who are all on some little channel whose name escapes me at the moment), I want to share a fantastic reply Sullivan had to a commenter on his article.
The commenter asked him about Sullivan’s claim that Obama is a very strategic thinker, but the President of late isn’t pimping out his credentials (saving us from a Depression with the stimulus package and snuffing out the head of al Qaeda).
SULLIVAN: He will. If I’m right, then he’s waiting. He tends to wait for his opponents to self-destruct, then makes his move. So far, the GOP seems determined to help him out, just as the Clintons did in 2008. But the State of the Union will tell us a lot. Obama campaigns like Reagan and governs like George H W Bush. He’s not trying to win every news cycle. He actually believes he can run on his record and proposals. Imagine that.
Imagine that, yes!
Fox’s Megyn Kelly spent the first five minutes of her segment on the article calling Sullivan “not a real journalist” who Newsweek readers should know is tone-lowerer without a lick of credence to anything he writes. She talks about it with her panelists as if its a foregone conclusion that Sullivan has nothing to say on the matter. She turns the conversation to simply “Should Newsweek employ writers who are creeps or shouldn’t they?” The panelists both nodded, “Well, of course, Newsweek should not employ factless creeps.”
OBJECTION! …Um…Leading the Fucking Witness!
Here’s the video in all it’s yuckiness. Try to follow the things they’re saying. I know it’s hard. Megyn Kelly’s glossed her lips so hard it looks she just blew a Cinnabon.
Those are just some world-improving starting points. They don’t need to all be at once.