I’m glad that the douchiest thing about me is that I use Axe Body Spray.  That is, I used to use Axe.  My conscience has finally gotten the better of me.  I don’t want to turn into this meme–

To explain my usage of this is to come out about another dirty secret.  I perspire a lot.  I stink a lot.  Even hours after a shower.  While some people have a five o’clock shadow, I have a five o’clock stank cloud.  Like all those women in tampon commercials before me, it leaves me feeling self-conscious, unconfident and unable to juggle my job and a baby.  Well, not that last part.  But I definitely start to hide in my belly button when I feel my underarms start to dampen ONE HOUR into my work day.  And I’m dark-haired and furry, so the sweat doesn’t exactly roll off me like water off a duck’s back.

I usually have to take multiple showers a day.  But I am not ashamed of this.  Many great and sexy people over the years have had to take multiple showers to not turn into sweaty beastmen.  People like Brad Pitt, Louis Armstrong and Helen Gurley Brown.

So to remedy this, and because I don’t have a million dollars to spend on cologne, I turned to the cheap Axe spray.  In addition to my bathroom, I have emergency cans in my glove box, my messenger bag and gym bag.  I’ve never not had to use them.

What I love and hate most about Axe is their ridiculous names for scents.  Xtreme names like Viper! (I smell like a fucking poisonous snake, y’all)  Instinct! (now I’m a lizard who can survive in the mothereffin’ Amazon, sucka)  Kodiak!  (take your hands of my child, cousin, I’m the last bear you’ll ever see)  Howl!  (oh, you thought all the animals I’d been before existed in nature?  Guess again, and say hello to me, a holy hell werewolf, son)

I couldn’t take it anymore.  In the CVS, my trembling hands reached for the can, but like Alex in “A Clockwork Orange” before me, my brain short-circuited, and I ended up in the fetal position on the carpet.
My eyes had been opened, and now all the douchiness of their product that I had previously, politely ignored now became as clear as a bell.  Their ad campaigns where you used Axe, and were suddenly beset with bitches–

Yes, bitches be crazy. And absolutely no woman can resist Axe body spray...

Or slightly homo-phobic/erotic–

Hmm. Maybe I'll give this "sweat" thing a day in court.

Or just plain ignorant to how bugnuts insane and scary their psychotic chocolate man is–

Leave me alone! I'm not playing anymore! Seriously, where are your eyelids?

So out of respect for my approaching 28th birthday and standing as a man possessing a modicum of intelligence and dignity, I am switching to unscented Right Guard spray.  It doesn’t appeal to my love of scents, variety and punny names, but at least I can face the world.  And now life is good again!

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Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

ADAM SASS begins all his writing in Sharpie on dozens of Starbucks pastry bags. This may cause him to be late making your cappuccino, and he sincerely apologizes. His Writer’s Digest-honored story “98% Graves” appeared in the anthology STARTLING SCI-FI: NEW TALES OF THE BEYOND. He lives in New York City with his husband and two dachshunds.

Find Adam at AdamSassBooks.com, his pop culture writing at GeeksOut.org, or keep up with him on his (over)active Twitter @TheAdamSass.